For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
So spoke the bible...
And now on the threshold of marriage I wonder like Churchill, "how many torments lie in the small circle of a wedding ring"....
Eerie....those little adjustments which will always be mine to make voluntarily...those little pains that I shall cry for in the pantry, sobbing lightly so that no one might hear...those little smiles, I will pass on at strangers at my dinner table while I serve them the choicest wine and meats...those numerous fights, I shall want to win, yet have to lose...those innumerous times I would look at him while he slept peacefully as I ironed the pile on the ground...those numerous times while I cooked and cooked and waited for someone to come, smack her fingers and say this is not my poor boy is used to....those many times when the other "daughter" cooked better meats, and baked softer cakes....those many times I broke into a tune and was told it was interrupting with the cricket match commentary...those many times, I wished life had been full of roses and he came back reeking of liquor....
I shudder....mine may or may not be the one that makes fairytales....yet something in me hopes and prays it s something I cherish and never cringe at...something I will want 40 years from now....something that will put a smile on my face even when memory has failed me....something that will make me go pink even when my wrinkles are larger than I can make out the difference....something that I will love....
Let the heavens shower their choicest blessings on me.....
Amen!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Monster of Ingratitude
Ingratus est, qui beneficium accepisse senegat, quod accepit: ingratus est, qui dissimulat; ingratus, qui non reddit; ingratissimus omnium, qui oblitus est.....Lucius Annaeus Seneca
He denies me the basic courtesies.....out of sheer love.....it was to be expected he claims...I am a couple....
He denies me the basic courtesies.....out of sheer love.....it was to be expected he claims...I am a couple....
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Undoing My Anonymity
Poetic justice...You are tied to a pole....a man has your legs dangling over a little fire....and someone else is tickling your ears....the confusion makes your eyes sob and your mouth laugh....you are not you anymore...while the audience hoots, and throws a paper plane with BITCH screaming from it....another whispers, she deserves it....the witch...she made me chop off my fingers in disgust...i was but a budding writer....
Life's a fair game of troughs and hillocks...i learnt wave motion when my lanky professor danced across the classroom floor, enacting the up and down movement...and now i realise that the sea merely mirrors our existence...and the calm is just another prelude...while the pages are being filled up by that man up there, hidden between those bluish blobs....sniggering at the futility of all those rubies and diamonds that decorate those hapless human fingers...
what was going to hit me? would i become another gollum? live on for another 589 years...trying to capture the essence of my life? as i became even more wretched in my upper floor?
would i merely shrivel and die unloved, unknown rather despised and disgusting?
i fear anonymity........
I dont want to be just another woman....who is unconventional, complete, anonymous.....
Life's a fair game of troughs and hillocks...i learnt wave motion when my lanky professor danced across the classroom floor, enacting the up and down movement...and now i realise that the sea merely mirrors our existence...and the calm is just another prelude...while the pages are being filled up by that man up there, hidden between those bluish blobs....sniggering at the futility of all those rubies and diamonds that decorate those hapless human fingers...
what was going to hit me? would i become another gollum? live on for another 589 years...trying to capture the essence of my life? as i became even more wretched in my upper floor?
would i merely shrivel and die unloved, unknown rather despised and disgusting?
i fear anonymity........
I dont want to be just another woman....who is unconventional, complete, anonymous.....
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
THE UBSB!!!!
Behold....there she comes...she is UBSB or the Universal Byte Supplying Bitch....
for a lay man that simply means that SHE likes to help any one from the MALE SPECIES...minus a genuine cause or request....and offers to accumulate bytes from all and sundry so that in future if he is in need of them, he will not have to roam about in the sun....
an absolutely pontific thing to do....
and the repayment mode smacks of sheer lust....
ah the travails of someone who is trying desperately to ensure that there is something hard between their legs and it stays there week long too.....
tch tch.....
but surprise surprise....she is not just about bytes....
she exhibits traits that need to be chronicled for future reference by behaviour analysts and their kinds....
her very curious aberrations manifest themselves only when the opposite sex steers anywhere close to her...or is ready to catch on to her perky comments or her hormone induced stench/mating scent....
curiosity killed the crow...
but here I am wondering what it is that goes on in that brain...a vacuum filled zone....
and those scary wrinkles and silly grin and badly wicked hair and horrendous dress sense...God save those mortals who cross her path and look even remotely helpless...
hmmm do you need a byte my man????
for a lay man that simply means that SHE likes to help any one from the MALE SPECIES...minus a genuine cause or request....and offers to accumulate bytes from all and sundry so that in future if he is in need of them, he will not have to roam about in the sun....
an absolutely pontific thing to do....
and the repayment mode smacks of sheer lust....
ah the travails of someone who is trying desperately to ensure that there is something hard between their legs and it stays there week long too.....
tch tch.....
but surprise surprise....she is not just about bytes....
she exhibits traits that need to be chronicled for future reference by behaviour analysts and their kinds....
her very curious aberrations manifest themselves only when the opposite sex steers anywhere close to her...or is ready to catch on to her perky comments or her hormone induced stench/mating scent....
curiosity killed the crow...
but here I am wondering what it is that goes on in that brain...a vacuum filled zone....
and those scary wrinkles and silly grin and badly wicked hair and horrendous dress sense...God save those mortals who cross her path and look even remotely helpless...
hmmm do you need a byte my man????
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Resounding Silences
Its deafening...and I wonder if its just me.....he sits there perfectly at ease watching things happen and pass us by without blinking and I wonder if his heart is emitting those little rhythmic beats....
I am on the balcony, watching the multitudes in different shapes with wheels passing me by in a heady rush....to get somewhere, to be with someone, to prove a point, to make a presentation, to buy something, to catch a train/flight.....everyone has a definitive purpose...one that defines their existence, makes them what they are.....knowingly or unknowingly we are all slaves to this "purpose" probably forced down our throats...in most cases by family, fortune or society....very few happen to flap their wings and see the world the way they want it...
No, I am not one of them....here I am trying hard to come to terms with a career that is strangling...where I see nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel...where I have hopped around like a kangaroo nursing the hope that the further I went I was getting closer to success and fame....yet I am so many floors farther from anything that even resembles my choice of life or career or success....I am on the verge of denying my entire existence in this planet....
it is suffocating....to be in a position where some envy you, some look up to you, some want to be you, some don't understand you, some think you are doing wonderfully well, some others cant understand what it the problem in the first place....but all you want to do is show all of them your finger, scream till your lungs feel alive and then run....to reclaim sanity, freedom, creativity and yourself before you fade into a delusion that was not created by you in the very first place.....
am I a failure? it keeps occurring to me over and over again in the dark nights, when I sweat despite the cold and tell myself that with each passing day my alien attributes seem to creep out making me scaringly inhuman....is it just me? I do keep hearing these stories of how everyone gets into a rut the minute they have been in the same job for too long...but I am hardly 27, have been in more than 5 jobs and pretty much hate all of them with equanimity....am I crazy? will I never be satisfied? Christ the neverending questions make me swoon...and yet I like to go back to them and keep pondering, it makes me kill time....makes me look at life with a difference, like an intellectual would and then you can sermonize as to how you realise the inadequacies of the world surrounding you and yet you have succeeded in remaining not only sane but even maintaining your environment the way you want it....
ah here I am going over this rigmarole all over again and wondering if it is just me....one who has so many unanswered questions...with so many glaring blanks, blips and dots in her life.....
I wish that silence would answer me but once.....
I am on the balcony, watching the multitudes in different shapes with wheels passing me by in a heady rush....to get somewhere, to be with someone, to prove a point, to make a presentation, to buy something, to catch a train/flight.....everyone has a definitive purpose...one that defines their existence, makes them what they are.....knowingly or unknowingly we are all slaves to this "purpose" probably forced down our throats...in most cases by family, fortune or society....very few happen to flap their wings and see the world the way they want it...
No, I am not one of them....here I am trying hard to come to terms with a career that is strangling...where I see nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel...where I have hopped around like a kangaroo nursing the hope that the further I went I was getting closer to success and fame....yet I am so many floors farther from anything that even resembles my choice of life or career or success....I am on the verge of denying my entire existence in this planet....
it is suffocating....to be in a position where some envy you, some look up to you, some want to be you, some don't understand you, some think you are doing wonderfully well, some others cant understand what it the problem in the first place....but all you want to do is show all of them your finger, scream till your lungs feel alive and then run....to reclaim sanity, freedom, creativity and yourself before you fade into a delusion that was not created by you in the very first place.....
am I a failure? it keeps occurring to me over and over again in the dark nights, when I sweat despite the cold and tell myself that with each passing day my alien attributes seem to creep out making me scaringly inhuman....is it just me? I do keep hearing these stories of how everyone gets into a rut the minute they have been in the same job for too long...but I am hardly 27, have been in more than 5 jobs and pretty much hate all of them with equanimity....am I crazy? will I never be satisfied? Christ the neverending questions make me swoon...and yet I like to go back to them and keep pondering, it makes me kill time....makes me look at life with a difference, like an intellectual would and then you can sermonize as to how you realise the inadequacies of the world surrounding you and yet you have succeeded in remaining not only sane but even maintaining your environment the way you want it....
ah here I am going over this rigmarole all over again and wondering if it is just me....one who has so many unanswered questions...with so many glaring blanks, blips and dots in her life.....
I wish that silence would answer me but once.....
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
The Collector of Hearts
In a long-ago time when I didn't know Yes I was happy, I was myself and I was happy. In a long-ago time when I wasn't a child any longer yet wasn't entirely not-a-child. In a long-ago time when I seemed often to be alone, and imagined myself lonely. Yet this is your truest self: alone, lonely......
So wrote Joyce Carol Oates in the Sky Blue Ball part of a compilation called Collector of Hearts, New Tales of the Grotesque....
In reality, I was collectorofhearts@hotmail.com. And my new boss was shocked, intrigued and scandalised imagining the possibility of having to pass on this address of one of his team members to the Big Boss....
"Why on earth do you have such a ridiculous id?" she squealed at the lunch table...The woman who kept all my boss's secrets and had vowed to go to the grave with them in return for occasional other worldly pleasures that he offered her/himself...Well debatable in itself but lets move on to the actual story...."Because I am one." Full stop no more questions, answers, smirks, sighs, sneers and whatever else they could come up with to counter my little world....life, name...
Ah those years when I reveled in seriously collecting hearts....me the object of absolute devotion, someone they couldn't miss, but someone who would make them feel like a piece of dirty slimy algae you want to sweep off your the corner with the dirtiest muckiest broom for fear it might spoil the one you clean your indoors with.....Someone they could talk to and listen to in the silence of the night or even compare to the dashing waves that were going back with a little piece of the land each time they touched the shore....destructive in every measure one could think of yet so appealing one could do nothing to shy away from that vast expanse of charm, calling out to you in some unknown tongue, making you want to give up everything you hold dear, just to be a part of that mystical and magical experience....
I was not good for some of them...they still hate me with all the ferociousness they can muster when they stand face to face...some want me dead for having trampled all over them and then walked off humming their favourite tune...some want to possess me for the sheer magnitude of my existence which they understand they will never fathom even in the next nine lives given to them, some want small parts to be happy and boast about it over a nice drink in some shady pub while they watch other women cling on to partners and rolling their tongues on the dance floor...
But I am unattainable unless I let myself be taken...and taken I was one time...badly too....for once the collector got collected and I pondered over adding eggonface.com to it...but then the glorious queen had more than met her match and I merely ended up hiding blue-black bruises with long sleeves and cried into the night over a nice smoke...the only thing I believe will never let me down in the face of adversity...but that was an aside...
back to the story....and now I pray that he rots in hell and cries out in agony each time he shuts his eyes when those images flash by him and make him want to cry and repent but even the gods don't want anything to do with him...and his family that egged him on and ate out of my dad's savings with absolutely no shame and till date merely revel in bad mouthing the only piece of luck that went their way, I hope they rot in penury even as they search for the source that will give them their next meal and a roof to hide their shameful faces in their tattered clothes.....
I hold absolute wrath in my heart as I sob at times in the middle of the night imagining him sitting by my bedside, with my hands tied behind my back, beating me with a stick and ensuring that the marks were made where the public couldn't see and thereby managing to look good in the sun....and each time I gritted my teeth and watched in absolute fear mixed with resolve..not to give in, not to be the one who lets out a sob, wanting to hit him back and hoping someone would walk in and then hold him back while I lashed him with that stick...zoopppp...........and he threw me against the cot, my neck got hurt...am glad I am alive...writing this, thinking about what all could have happened....
And I want revenge at some point in my life...I would not want to turn in grave imagining the many ways I could have inflicted harm on him while I was still walking the earth....
But then I am not competing with Joyce Carol Oates ...she writes grotesque tales....so I shall remain mute for now...but what goes around does come around they say.....so I shall for now bide my time before nature's fury turns on him and his family..
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
All His Whores...
Gabriel Garcia Marquez termed his muses, his whores...and aptly so. Unfortunately the ones I am breaking bread with are no longer that useful....Mere corks that are obstructing the movement of life breath...and of sensitivities towards the beloved....
But one needs to ponder about the existence of such whores....do creative juices flow courtesy their appearance or disappearance....do they make sense of the hazy words forming the unending puzzle that finally peters down into letters that grace the page? do they stylize the lingua franca that one prides over even in the mildest forms of sleep...or do they merely make for candy that pre-empts the taste buds and makes glucose levels soar, thereby creating the perfect illusion to necessitate higher brain activity that thereby culminates in some sort of art.....and then also manage to walk off with all the applause?
Food for thought if I may so say....
Mine unfortunately served the purpose until they ratified my theorems of the existence of a lesser planet within the primary one inhabited by all the scum of the earth that could give a duffer a run for his money...and then while they stared and guffawed at their self found superiority, one could simply erase them from immediate and long-term memory...and move on in peace....
But here's the obstruction...sense and rationality eludes a choicest few...and then they become the phlegm that you try desperately to throw out, but sitting on a bus there is the threat of it hitting you back on your face given the air speed....then you can but sit and wait....what if patience eludes you too and the phlegm is growing in size and you simply need an alternative solution to spit it out...Bingo...that plastic bag hidden in the recesses of your little carry bag...oops it has a slash down its face....
so now either the driver pays attention to my gyrations and halts the bus or he lends me that little white scarf he has around his face to let me use at will...I prefer the latter...so well I need to smile...and tuck in my blouse tight and make my tits slightly visible...
EUREKA...now let me implement it in real life....
what will his life look devoid of these whores????
But one needs to ponder about the existence of such whores....do creative juices flow courtesy their appearance or disappearance....do they make sense of the hazy words forming the unending puzzle that finally peters down into letters that grace the page? do they stylize the lingua franca that one prides over even in the mildest forms of sleep...or do they merely make for candy that pre-empts the taste buds and makes glucose levels soar, thereby creating the perfect illusion to necessitate higher brain activity that thereby culminates in some sort of art.....and then also manage to walk off with all the applause?
Food for thought if I may so say....
Mine unfortunately served the purpose until they ratified my theorems of the existence of a lesser planet within the primary one inhabited by all the scum of the earth that could give a duffer a run for his money...and then while they stared and guffawed at their self found superiority, one could simply erase them from immediate and long-term memory...and move on in peace....
But here's the obstruction...sense and rationality eludes a choicest few...and then they become the phlegm that you try desperately to throw out, but sitting on a bus there is the threat of it hitting you back on your face given the air speed....then you can but sit and wait....what if patience eludes you too and the phlegm is growing in size and you simply need an alternative solution to spit it out...Bingo...that plastic bag hidden in the recesses of your little carry bag...oops it has a slash down its face....
so now either the driver pays attention to my gyrations and halts the bus or he lends me that little white scarf he has around his face to let me use at will...I prefer the latter...so well I need to smile...and tuck in my blouse tight and make my tits slightly visible...
EUREKA...now let me implement it in real life....
what will his life look devoid of these whores????
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
All About Smiles
Its not too late...if I were to take an example from Runaway Bride, but the whole idea of being at my best and sweetest and smiliest (if there is such a term) behaviour is sure giving me cold feet...
Imagine for the whole two or three weeks all I will do is be polite, politically correct (meaning never say FUCK, BULLSHIT and MA'FUCKER etc etc) and smile no matter how obnoxious and irritating the suggestion might be....SO then do I want to run for my life while I still can?
Dunno....the wheels are in motion and while I ponder, it suddenly struck me that maybe I should think ALOUD yet again..
Frankly why do I write these things down for public perusal? Am I satisfying my ego, am I trying to prove to the world that I possess absolutely enviable linguistic skills , am I looking for some more adulation and ego boosters from strangers so then I do not have to be polite to them for the rest of my life merely for paying me a compliment, am I looking for unknown critics so that I needn't hate them for being so unkind while they tear my text apart, am I merely venting my need to write, am I looking for some sort of reiteration that I am good with this form and so I can still reinvent myself and become a hell of a success story, am I looking to satiate some other unknown need that surfaces only in my subconscious, or whatever else.....
Holy God what and why am I writing this?
It would be but great to know.....
And somehow it makes me feel immensely good to have done this...maybe it feels better to have something written and tucked away in some space where I cannot tamper and do away with the evidence and something that I can hit a mere button and relive for however long I choose to...and better still i do not have to hold on to all those little pieces of parchment that have faded from the foul sweat that my hands spew forth...(not exactly foul but kind of fitted in and sounded nicer and more dramatic to be precise!)
whatever the cause and effect be I think I have now successfully proven that it aint that hard to write a piece without actually having an actual reason or need to write...
ah ciao....
Imagine for the whole two or three weeks all I will do is be polite, politically correct (meaning never say FUCK, BULLSHIT and MA'FUCKER etc etc) and smile no matter how obnoxious and irritating the suggestion might be....SO then do I want to run for my life while I still can?
Dunno....the wheels are in motion and while I ponder, it suddenly struck me that maybe I should think ALOUD yet again..
Frankly why do I write these things down for public perusal? Am I satisfying my ego, am I trying to prove to the world that I possess absolutely enviable linguistic skills , am I looking for some more adulation and ego boosters from strangers so then I do not have to be polite to them for the rest of my life merely for paying me a compliment, am I looking for unknown critics so that I needn't hate them for being so unkind while they tear my text apart, am I merely venting my need to write, am I looking for some sort of reiteration that I am good with this form and so I can still reinvent myself and become a hell of a success story, am I looking to satiate some other unknown need that surfaces only in my subconscious, or whatever else.....
Holy God what and why am I writing this?
It would be but great to know.....
And somehow it makes me feel immensely good to have done this...maybe it feels better to have something written and tucked away in some space where I cannot tamper and do away with the evidence and something that I can hit a mere button and relive for however long I choose to...and better still i do not have to hold on to all those little pieces of parchment that have faded from the foul sweat that my hands spew forth...(not exactly foul but kind of fitted in and sounded nicer and more dramatic to be precise!)
whatever the cause and effect be I think I have now successfully proven that it aint that hard to write a piece without actually having an actual reason or need to write...
ah ciao....
Monday, January 02, 2006
Hurrah!!!
After long months of anticipation and frustration, finally the Channel's test signal is there for all to see...and for us to watch and convince ourselves that after all its not some sort nightmare....
Anyways moving away from that momentary high which was shared by more than hundreds across a few states lets get down to business...
Another year passed us by and we are all smarter and wiser for the experience gained and we move on to greener or maybe graying pastures with the hope that all things shall turn out for the better....
I ushered the New Year in sitting in a chai place...listening to absolute knuckleheads singing alongside a karaoke machine...while some others cheered them on.....for the sheer bravado with which people exhibit their failings, made me sit back and smile in wonder as my fiance looked out at the crowds that thronged the place ready to jump up and punch the sky the moment it struck midnight....
We had just finished watching King Kong...an absolute waste of money and imagination...and were killing time, not wanting to spend the moment in an auto stuck in a jam while the moment passed us by....for one it was far above the wasteful experience we had the last year...when we remained rooted to the same spot on the road for more than 2 hours waiting for the car in front to make one slight movement....
The hullabaloo around New Year's eve has not ceased to amaze me...Is it the happiness at having locked away certain bad moments in some recess of your memory and the excitement at what is in store in the days ahead that has us partying away wildly into the night, or some other absolute feeling at having existed and successfully too on this planet for one more year given us the reason and the energy to party madly and energetically....of course one can always concoct up some sort of answer...but then the truth is somewhere out there...only no one has bothered to look at it the way it should be....
I have moved onto another year and now looking back there are lot of things I sure am going to bury in the darkest recess of my brain..but the point being there were some turnaround moments when I wanted to scream at the highest my lungs would allow and celebrate those inane oddities that have made my 26th year of existence even minimally memorable....
Anyways moving away from that momentary high which was shared by more than hundreds across a few states lets get down to business...
Another year passed us by and we are all smarter and wiser for the experience gained and we move on to greener or maybe graying pastures with the hope that all things shall turn out for the better....
I ushered the New Year in sitting in a chai place...listening to absolute knuckleheads singing alongside a karaoke machine...while some others cheered them on.....for the sheer bravado with which people exhibit their failings, made me sit back and smile in wonder as my fiance looked out at the crowds that thronged the place ready to jump up and punch the sky the moment it struck midnight....
We had just finished watching King Kong...an absolute waste of money and imagination...and were killing time, not wanting to spend the moment in an auto stuck in a jam while the moment passed us by....for one it was far above the wasteful experience we had the last year...when we remained rooted to the same spot on the road for more than 2 hours waiting for the car in front to make one slight movement....
The hullabaloo around New Year's eve has not ceased to amaze me...Is it the happiness at having locked away certain bad moments in some recess of your memory and the excitement at what is in store in the days ahead that has us partying away wildly into the night, or some other absolute feeling at having existed and successfully too on this planet for one more year given us the reason and the energy to party madly and energetically....of course one can always concoct up some sort of answer...but then the truth is somewhere out there...only no one has bothered to look at it the way it should be....
I have moved onto another year and now looking back there are lot of things I sure am going to bury in the darkest recess of my brain..but the point being there were some turnaround moments when I wanted to scream at the highest my lungs would allow and celebrate those inane oddities that have made my 26th year of existence even minimally memorable....
Monday, December 26, 2005
Stereo & Mono
Since its not my first brush with a mono existence, cant really dwell on the pluses of being introduced to a completely new form of living....
but having been here more than once, have to explain what it feels like...
almost like this small protective screen engulfs your ears alone, which in a way protects your sensibilities too, from all the nonsensical crap floating around in the extremely close by universe...and from all that meaningless chatter that makes for tears and scary nightmares in moments when you give in to those idiosyncrasies....
point being this time round...my trembling cough sent out shivers that scared those little fragile pink membranes inside my ear (which i am yet to see) and made them shrivel and shrink into no man's land making me shift from stereo to mono in less than a second...but as I reveled in the newly found freedom of being able to blame everything on my temporary partial deafness, the inner walls decided to rebel against this unnecessary injustice meted out to them and sent out a fresh round of tremors which rocked the inner membranes and all the other inhabitants of those little cramped spaces, making me yelp and want to poke it out...but alas they were hidden away so cleverly all I could do was curse out loud...
anyways then I took it upon myself to go to Sitaram Bhartia hospital, which is so stony cold that it makes you cringe and wonder if anyone who is warm hearted could ever venture into those four walls and feel cared for....to top it all in the form of art they have paintings or whatever of absolutely ghastly creatures who in the dark could give anyone a heart attack (ah now it hits me, a smart business move, give the old man a heart attack, get him admitted to your own clinic and then rob him of all the money he ever earned in his younger days....he will die soon enough)...anyways as i waited there was this old couple waiting for the same doc...the old woman was really and i am being more than honest here, ready to kick the bucket, yet she had a cellphone, had just undergone surgery to fix her rattling knees and so was in a wheelchair and her problem was her ears were acting up and she could not hear clearly when someone called on her mobile!!!! christ some people love live with such tenacity it makes me wonder about my own thoughts of death!!! am i being completely unfair or am i actually being benevolent and making way for such hapless creatures who despite being ready to be packed off refuse to say DIE!!!!
anyways back to my mono state....
i finally met the man...very soft spoken...and then he invited me to sit on a ghastly looking white chair that reeked of dettol and had a huge shelf full of all sorts of hand held tools that made me wonder if i wouldnt but merely die from fright the minute he approached my ear with something that resembled a giant shredder with spikes attached....okie am shivering now....
anyways he didnt ...instead he first gave me an image makeover...i had a pair of nice clean cold tongs inserted into my nose to keep my nostrils wide apart....(ahem), then he inserted an elongated ice cream spoon made of that thin woodish thingie into my throat, and then two small funnels (black ) into my eardrums and then wore another nonsensical thingie and then stared right down my ear with a powerful light....now my poor fiance sat and watched me like this and i am sure for one millionth of a second he did wonder ...frankly she looks just the very same and christ i have to wake up next to this witch every morning, shall i bolt out the door and to freedom????? poor man...he looked sympathetic, but hey i am a mind reader honey!!! i shall pay you back sometime too!!!
okie once again back....
and then he pronounced the verdict...congrats you cannot party one teeny weenie bit...both your eardrums have pulled back and your nose and throat are so fucked it aint funny...and then came the medicines and so forth and anyways now i have to go back for more tests...and am dressed like someone aptly called me eminem's sister with a rapper cap....
point being at random moments i wished back those hours of ignorance...but then again its better this way, though i must admit, the worst part of it all was that i couldnt poke the area where there was pain an counter it with another shot, which according to me works in the same way as an equal and opposite force negates the initial one's effect....
ah having mixed the nuances of physics into my life, i feel very intelligent for now...and having worked a few of my faculties at the same time, i must take a few minutes of rest...
frankly am tired of my ears for now....so lets change topics....
i shall return...and soon enough too...
but having been here more than once, have to explain what it feels like...
almost like this small protective screen engulfs your ears alone, which in a way protects your sensibilities too, from all the nonsensical crap floating around in the extremely close by universe...and from all that meaningless chatter that makes for tears and scary nightmares in moments when you give in to those idiosyncrasies....
point being this time round...my trembling cough sent out shivers that scared those little fragile pink membranes inside my ear (which i am yet to see) and made them shrivel and shrink into no man's land making me shift from stereo to mono in less than a second...but as I reveled in the newly found freedom of being able to blame everything on my temporary partial deafness, the inner walls decided to rebel against this unnecessary injustice meted out to them and sent out a fresh round of tremors which rocked the inner membranes and all the other inhabitants of those little cramped spaces, making me yelp and want to poke it out...but alas they were hidden away so cleverly all I could do was curse out loud...
anyways then I took it upon myself to go to Sitaram Bhartia hospital, which is so stony cold that it makes you cringe and wonder if anyone who is warm hearted could ever venture into those four walls and feel cared for....to top it all in the form of art they have paintings or whatever of absolutely ghastly creatures who in the dark could give anyone a heart attack (ah now it hits me, a smart business move, give the old man a heart attack, get him admitted to your own clinic and then rob him of all the money he ever earned in his younger days....he will die soon enough)...anyways as i waited there was this old couple waiting for the same doc...the old woman was really and i am being more than honest here, ready to kick the bucket, yet she had a cellphone, had just undergone surgery to fix her rattling knees and so was in a wheelchair and her problem was her ears were acting up and she could not hear clearly when someone called on her mobile!!!! christ some people love live with such tenacity it makes me wonder about my own thoughts of death!!! am i being completely unfair or am i actually being benevolent and making way for such hapless creatures who despite being ready to be packed off refuse to say DIE!!!!
anyways back to my mono state....
i finally met the man...very soft spoken...and then he invited me to sit on a ghastly looking white chair that reeked of dettol and had a huge shelf full of all sorts of hand held tools that made me wonder if i wouldnt but merely die from fright the minute he approached my ear with something that resembled a giant shredder with spikes attached....okie am shivering now....
anyways he didnt ...instead he first gave me an image makeover...i had a pair of nice clean cold tongs inserted into my nose to keep my nostrils wide apart....(ahem), then he inserted an elongated ice cream spoon made of that thin woodish thingie into my throat, and then two small funnels (black ) into my eardrums and then wore another nonsensical thingie and then stared right down my ear with a powerful light....now my poor fiance sat and watched me like this and i am sure for one millionth of a second he did wonder ...frankly she looks just the very same and christ i have to wake up next to this witch every morning, shall i bolt out the door and to freedom????? poor man...he looked sympathetic, but hey i am a mind reader honey!!! i shall pay you back sometime too!!!
okie once again back....
and then he pronounced the verdict...congrats you cannot party one teeny weenie bit...both your eardrums have pulled back and your nose and throat are so fucked it aint funny...and then came the medicines and so forth and anyways now i have to go back for more tests...and am dressed like someone aptly called me eminem's sister with a rapper cap....
point being at random moments i wished back those hours of ignorance...but then again its better this way, though i must admit, the worst part of it all was that i couldnt poke the area where there was pain an counter it with another shot, which according to me works in the same way as an equal and opposite force negates the initial one's effect....
ah having mixed the nuances of physics into my life, i feel very intelligent for now...and having worked a few of my faculties at the same time, i must take a few minutes of rest...
frankly am tired of my ears for now....so lets change topics....
i shall return...and soon enough too...
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Pink it is
and while i am still fuming....
why did hutch have to go pink? had read that they spent a fortune on some ad man who "creatively" came up with the need for this change...
point being last night while on the drop back home, some FM station was talking about this and decided that their entire show should be about this colour change and the linkage they drew was even more fascinating...
which is the one sms that made you go pink in the face...
and i assume given a chance the host of the show would have been sporting a pink something too...and not baby pink mind you but fluorescent pink...
ah....
now the hutch pug on a bill board looks sinister in those dark shades, almost hidden with just some glaring teeth visible...
i thought the ad campaign was playing on the cuteness of the pug who followed the kid around and didnt they win an award too???
sometimes certain forms of creativity have absolutely no rationale behind them...
but then is creativity supposed to be rational at all will be the question thrown at me...
hey i dont like a pinky hutch period!
why did hutch have to go pink? had read that they spent a fortune on some ad man who "creatively" came up with the need for this change...
point being last night while on the drop back home, some FM station was talking about this and decided that their entire show should be about this colour change and the linkage they drew was even more fascinating...
which is the one sms that made you go pink in the face...
and i assume given a chance the host of the show would have been sporting a pink something too...and not baby pink mind you but fluorescent pink...
ah....
now the hutch pug on a bill board looks sinister in those dark shades, almost hidden with just some glaring teeth visible...
i thought the ad campaign was playing on the cuteness of the pug who followed the kid around and didnt they win an award too???
sometimes certain forms of creativity have absolutely no rationale behind them...
but then is creativity supposed to be rational at all will be the question thrown at me...
hey i dont like a pinky hutch period!
Never Take Your Competition Lightly!!!
what if its not competition at all?
(before I go on maybe I should admit that I am obsessed with OH MY GOD and that too Janice style though till date I have never considered her worthy of even being acknowledged....she is irritating to say the least...but before I get sidetracked)
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!
that man was supposed to be god...the ultimate boss...the one you would give a leg and an arm and some more to work with...
and what has he but done...and that too why did it take so much money to put out something that crappy?
what is that channel? CNN-IBN they call it....their ticker band is nothing but a mish-mash of inane colours....the logo is nothing but CNN (pssst why add those little three letters when frankly nobody will get beyond CNN) and the same signature (if they can actually be called that) tunes and a bad set, bad colours (confused between yellow, orange and red and something else) and a desperate attempt to look different even in the promos which make you want to cry and even rethink your former adulation of his journalistic skills...and silly babes trying to ape Ayesha Faridi's Get a Life!, though I cant stand that woman too..she is Good eye candy and to give her some credit has made that part look nice....this one has silly women who cant spell entertainment straight or even maybe malkovich....to top it all...I think its an attempt to make it personalised and making them reach out and not look so clinical and cut off from real life...blogs by the protagonists on the channel's website....
GOD the expectations alone would have gotten the man the entire market...and this...
but what beats me is this...why does one person expose his weaknesses on air...on a soft launch you never expose the shortcomings of your channel and yet that is what they do...with this chirpy bespectacled man, one mr aiyar who is so happy to be on air in the middle of the night and makes an overt attempt to wake u and make you watch the tv screen touting a dog running on a treadmill as enticement making you search for a smelly shoe to shove up his arse!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!
okie I am angry, disappointed that he let me down and now I shall refrain from mouthing even more foul stuff....
have to maintain some decorum in public domain....
shouldn't I?
(before I go on maybe I should admit that I am obsessed with OH MY GOD and that too Janice style though till date I have never considered her worthy of even being acknowledged....she is irritating to say the least...but before I get sidetracked)
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!
that man was supposed to be god...the ultimate boss...the one you would give a leg and an arm and some more to work with...
and what has he but done...and that too why did it take so much money to put out something that crappy?
what is that channel? CNN-IBN they call it....their ticker band is nothing but a mish-mash of inane colours....the logo is nothing but CNN (pssst why add those little three letters when frankly nobody will get beyond CNN) and the same signature (if they can actually be called that) tunes and a bad set, bad colours (confused between yellow, orange and red and something else) and a desperate attempt to look different even in the promos which make you want to cry and even rethink your former adulation of his journalistic skills...and silly babes trying to ape Ayesha Faridi's Get a Life!, though I cant stand that woman too..she is Good eye candy and to give her some credit has made that part look nice....this one has silly women who cant spell entertainment straight or even maybe malkovich....to top it all...I think its an attempt to make it personalised and making them reach out and not look so clinical and cut off from real life...blogs by the protagonists on the channel's website....
GOD the expectations alone would have gotten the man the entire market...and this...
but what beats me is this...why does one person expose his weaknesses on air...on a soft launch you never expose the shortcomings of your channel and yet that is what they do...with this chirpy bespectacled man, one mr aiyar who is so happy to be on air in the middle of the night and makes an overt attempt to wake u and make you watch the tv screen touting a dog running on a treadmill as enticement making you search for a smelly shoe to shove up his arse!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!
okie I am angry, disappointed that he let me down and now I shall refrain from mouthing even more foul stuff....
have to maintain some decorum in public domain....
shouldn't I?
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Trembling Delhi
...run there's an earthquake....screamed Golu...or rather get a cameraman to shoot it first he exclaimed...even as i wondered if it werent currents generated by his running across the slim flooring, others stood by watching a camera man zoom into an array of Television sets hoping against hope of catching a shot that could be played out during the next bulletin...another madame was running for her life even as she screamed out into the mobile that she was but trying to save her precious life....(beautiful might have been the exact words she used) and others watched in sheer mirth this replay of events past....
its funny but in the close to 7 years i have been in delhi...none of these earthly activities have managed to ruffle my feathers and i mean that literally too....only reiterating my belief that i was not meant to be on this planet or even lightyears near it...
but having caught your attention....
i watch in muted exasperation as my colleague gears up to make public his innate capabilites for fame...some people indulge in absolutely breathtaking and stupefying journalism.... OH MY GOD...(exactly like Janice of friends fame would have intoned making you want to clutch at your balls...oops whatever substitute a woman can find too....) and what did sir do...he went looking for men who are technically in hiding...and did a piece which smacked of self love more than investigation and then tried out his language skills while his ruffled hair and stupid countenance made you want to break every goddamn tv set in the vicinity....well having watched that i am beginning to look at this profession in a new yellow light...not good considering i was seriously hoping to make my career out of it...but these nuggets which for sure will be thrown back at you by nincompoops who think they have the qualification and mettle to be your boss only make me realise maybe my childish longing to be a valet may have been much more honourable and satisfying....
but then why am i crying in vain when basically what is frankly hurting me is not that he tarnished the name of serious journalism but that my boss has flipped over it ahd now he will get a raise due me....funny ways this universe operates in....
but the only constant seems to be my list of irreversible hatred...and the constant additions to it over the years..have i eliminated any so far???? naay have found even more satisfying ways of getting back...
its funny but in the close to 7 years i have been in delhi...none of these earthly activities have managed to ruffle my feathers and i mean that literally too....only reiterating my belief that i was not meant to be on this planet or even lightyears near it...
but having caught your attention....
i watch in muted exasperation as my colleague gears up to make public his innate capabilites for fame...some people indulge in absolutely breathtaking and stupefying journalism.... OH MY GOD...(exactly like Janice of friends fame would have intoned making you want to clutch at your balls...oops whatever substitute a woman can find too....) and what did sir do...he went looking for men who are technically in hiding...and did a piece which smacked of self love more than investigation and then tried out his language skills while his ruffled hair and stupid countenance made you want to break every goddamn tv set in the vicinity....well having watched that i am beginning to look at this profession in a new yellow light...not good considering i was seriously hoping to make my career out of it...but these nuggets which for sure will be thrown back at you by nincompoops who think they have the qualification and mettle to be your boss only make me realise maybe my childish longing to be a valet may have been much more honourable and satisfying....
but then why am i crying in vain when basically what is frankly hurting me is not that he tarnished the name of serious journalism but that my boss has flipped over it ahd now he will get a raise due me....funny ways this universe operates in....
but the only constant seems to be my list of irreversible hatred...and the constant additions to it over the years..have i eliminated any so far???? naay have found even more satisfying ways of getting back...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Am I touchy?
"You look horrible..that jacket looks weird, your hair looks completely tussled....hey..don't scratch your eyes now...go wash them!!!!!"
she had just walked in...
oh my god was i such a disaster to look at? she thought as she tried hard to hold on to the curses and anger boiling within...
what the fuck????
"why the hell are you ordering me around...i know how to take care of myself!"
"fine from now on never ask me what to do and i will never give you my opinion"....the critic and lover responded.
"yeah right, you never listen to me...why the hell should i listen to you...and who the fuck are you anyways to be telling me what to do...bloody shit...you good for nothing idiot...." her tirade seemed endless and he walked out...
whirrrrrrrrrrrrrr to present....
one of those nasty stupid fights....
what is with people? its amazing how one can suddenly adorn the garb of the prey instead of predator after having set in motion those wheels that elicit those nasty, angry responses....
why is it so easy to always shut up and clam up rather than fight your ground, get it off your chest and then move on...having buried it for good....that somehow never happens....not such a very good thing i would say... old timers said that never go to bed angry...fight it out and then sleep in peace...well that seems hardly a possibility in the given situation...is it that both parties are merely way too touchy? or just that one person has no clue how to deal with her anger or that the other shies away from unnecessary arguments or maybe necessary but that again is subjective aint it?
i dont know...somehow i have come to believe that maybe at times, silence is but the best policy....
flashback....
i hit back and he beat the crap out of me....i didn't bat an eyelid nor did i cry and he kept at it...it angered him more to see me hold on instead of giving way...would that have been smarter at that point of time? but i am not a coward and so why should i back down....
whirrrrrrrrrrrr...
maybe its that unnecessary ego at times...or maybe stubbornness...and the stupid echo....i shall not be the loser nor will i let him have the last word...
who is at fault?
i think him, and he vice-versa...
but who is right?
i dont know....
thats the whole point....
so now what???
silence post an argument may be quite unnerving.....
excerpts....Whispers in the Dark!
she had just walked in...
oh my god was i such a disaster to look at? she thought as she tried hard to hold on to the curses and anger boiling within...
what the fuck????
"why the hell are you ordering me around...i know how to take care of myself!"
"fine from now on never ask me what to do and i will never give you my opinion"....the critic and lover responded.
"yeah right, you never listen to me...why the hell should i listen to you...and who the fuck are you anyways to be telling me what to do...bloody shit...you good for nothing idiot...." her tirade seemed endless and he walked out...
whirrrrrrrrrrrrrr to present....
one of those nasty stupid fights....
what is with people? its amazing how one can suddenly adorn the garb of the prey instead of predator after having set in motion those wheels that elicit those nasty, angry responses....
why is it so easy to always shut up and clam up rather than fight your ground, get it off your chest and then move on...having buried it for good....that somehow never happens....not such a very good thing i would say... old timers said that never go to bed angry...fight it out and then sleep in peace...well that seems hardly a possibility in the given situation...is it that both parties are merely way too touchy? or just that one person has no clue how to deal with her anger or that the other shies away from unnecessary arguments or maybe necessary but that again is subjective aint it?
i dont know...somehow i have come to believe that maybe at times, silence is but the best policy....
flashback....
i hit back and he beat the crap out of me....i didn't bat an eyelid nor did i cry and he kept at it...it angered him more to see me hold on instead of giving way...would that have been smarter at that point of time? but i am not a coward and so why should i back down....
whirrrrrrrrrrrr...
maybe its that unnecessary ego at times...or maybe stubbornness...and the stupid echo....i shall not be the loser nor will i let him have the last word...
who is at fault?
i think him, and he vice-versa...
but who is right?
i dont know....
thats the whole point....
so now what???
silence post an argument may be quite unnerving.....
excerpts....Whispers in the Dark!
Saturday, December 10, 2005
The Butterfly Effect
Last night I forced myself to watch Ashton Kutcher (who is particularly ugly and should not be an actor even by mistake) merely out of curiosity...evoked by the name of the movie...sounded intelligent and unlike Kutcher and my limited knowledge of chaos theory....
anyways point is....the movie tries to stay focused on its title and makes Kutcher do weird things...over and over again...(painful to even see Kutcher bungling along with different hairstyles and to top it all...minus both hands...and then those plastic handle like replicas using which he drops some eatable and then looks oh so pitiable......corny to say the least...)
the basic idea is brilliant..but that everyone knows...
"a butterfly flapping its wings in Tokyo could cause tornadoes in California"
point being how did they assume that by merely making letters shiver within a notebook and slick editing and merging shots they could induce the same effect through Kutcher....that man was OTT...and so was the director....and throughout he plays by extremes...making Kayleigh's brother a devout Christian who runs to the chapel when he thinks Evan is out of line when they meet his mother...and suddenly she is suffering from cancer...with blonde hair..why does the mother's hair keep changing colour....and worst of all trying to use a kid to yell at a paedophile...who excels in making child porn and now suddenly the minute a 7 year old gives him a dressing down he corrects himself and reforms his ways....
holy mother of god.....what were they thinking....
too much of anything can be too bad they say...and its almost like the director fell in love with effects..make the page shiver...dissolve into the past and make Kutcher bumble some more....
I could have caught up on some sleep to say the least.....
anyways point is....the movie tries to stay focused on its title and makes Kutcher do weird things...over and over again...(painful to even see Kutcher bungling along with different hairstyles and to top it all...minus both hands...and then those plastic handle like replicas using which he drops some eatable and then looks oh so pitiable......corny to say the least...)
the basic idea is brilliant..but that everyone knows...
"a butterfly flapping its wings in Tokyo could cause tornadoes in California"
point being how did they assume that by merely making letters shiver within a notebook and slick editing and merging shots they could induce the same effect through Kutcher....that man was OTT...and so was the director....and throughout he plays by extremes...making Kayleigh's brother a devout Christian who runs to the chapel when he thinks Evan is out of line when they meet his mother...and suddenly she is suffering from cancer...with blonde hair..why does the mother's hair keep changing colour....and worst of all trying to use a kid to yell at a paedophile...who excels in making child porn and now suddenly the minute a 7 year old gives him a dressing down he corrects himself and reforms his ways....
holy mother of god.....what were they thinking....
too much of anything can be too bad they say...and its almost like the director fell in love with effects..make the page shiver...dissolve into the past and make Kutcher bumble some more....
I could have caught up on some sleep to say the least.....
Friday, December 09, 2005
Of Cyclones and Nomenclature
What is with the public...Katrina, Rita, Pyaar, Baaz, Fanoos....no logic anywhere there and why first women and the illogical words to refer to these scary and natural disasters...is it an attempt to bring some humour in so we don't shiver like we should at the mere mention of these events or is it to trivialise them altogether? whatever the intention, since it's not in the public domain my angst is more than justified...I mean when I hear a headline that say Rita headed to New York...if i was not one of those happening journalists or someone who was in the area or someone who watched news so closely he could tell you the fabric the anchor was wearing... i would simply imagine some famous person was headed to that town...a follower of Bill Gates or maybe the next Mother Teresa in the making....and for that very same reason maybe tragedy should be treated with as much respect as we deem other events....
And it seriously smacks of bad creativity too....
anyways i have a blanket dislike to all such "funny, creative and apt" names....
And it seriously smacks of bad creativity too....
anyways i have a blanket dislike to all such "funny, creative and apt" names....
Closet Creativity
Not really...i am very proud of knowing the language of our rulers absolutely well and being able to play with it like i want to....
anyways this is me...http://poetsindia.com/poet/Dhanya+Krishnakumar/
anyways this is me...http://poetsindia.com/poet/Dhanya+Krishnakumar/
My man, Heathcliff
"I have no pity! The more the worms writhe, the more I yearn to crush out their entrails! It's a moral teething; and I grind with greater energy, in proportion to the increase in pain,"
Chapter 14...Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
One of my favourite quotes...I had this up on my table....People thought I was woozy up there...Honey did you ever bother to read Wuthering Heights....an all time favourite of mine...A brilliant piece of work...I read it in school and fell in love with Heathcliff....his style of loving Catherine Earnshaw....It's love on another plane...where both their definitions differed yet...He can withstand anything against him to be with her...
And for one instant even I was fooled thinking here was this woman who made him enact this entire charade on the pretext of reciprocating that love...but then she confirms to one and all through her medium Nelly..."Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same"....
In that juvenile fervour I wished to be part of something so surreal and all consuming.... something that would even make death bow down its head it shame...where one person wishes in all sincerity that the other does not rest in peace but haunts the surviving partner till they are joined even in the other world...
Heathcliff burnt in a fire that was obsessive passion and lifelong vindictive hatred....and ultimately when he dies you actually heave a sigh of relief for at long last the man is for once in his life at peace...with himself...his love...with Catherine....the only true emotion he ever knew....
And then I chanced upon the cartoon strip Heathcliff...a dumb mutt....oopsie they were slandering the name of the man who according to me is one of the greatest heroes in literary history and I was expected to smile at the dumb mutt's irreverent actions!!!!! Hell no....
Heathcliff, the master of Wuthering Heights, the irate misanthropist...you rule....
Chapter 14...Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
One of my favourite quotes...I had this up on my table....People thought I was woozy up there...Honey did you ever bother to read Wuthering Heights....an all time favourite of mine...A brilliant piece of work...I read it in school and fell in love with Heathcliff....his style of loving Catherine Earnshaw....It's love on another plane...where both their definitions differed yet...He can withstand anything against him to be with her...
And for one instant even I was fooled thinking here was this woman who made him enact this entire charade on the pretext of reciprocating that love...but then she confirms to one and all through her medium Nelly..."Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same"....
In that juvenile fervour I wished to be part of something so surreal and all consuming.... something that would even make death bow down its head it shame...where one person wishes in all sincerity that the other does not rest in peace but haunts the surviving partner till they are joined even in the other world...
Heathcliff burnt in a fire that was obsessive passion and lifelong vindictive hatred....and ultimately when he dies you actually heave a sigh of relief for at long last the man is for once in his life at peace...with himself...his love...with Catherine....the only true emotion he ever knew....
And then I chanced upon the cartoon strip Heathcliff...a dumb mutt....oopsie they were slandering the name of the man who according to me is one of the greatest heroes in literary history and I was expected to smile at the dumb mutt's irreverent actions!!!!! Hell no....
Heathcliff, the master of Wuthering Heights, the irate misanthropist...you rule....
Thursday, December 08, 2005
You Ignored Me
Sometimes it's the absence of great teachers that shapes your life and being ignored can be just as good for a person as being lauded. ....Julia Roberts
I stumbled upon this...and I remembered I had been ignored many a time...was I now famous and doing wonderfully well for myself? not that I knew of..unless in some corner of Mars there was a temple to celebrate my existence on a faraway planet....the god that could not be seen or heard or touched so easily...not that I minded such adulation...but praise from places I couldn't watch and enjoy from is of no use as far as I understand....neither is posthumous praise any good...then what good is your existence?
it's easy to spit out wonderful sounding insensitive nuggets which don't apply to you in any which way....I would say the same if I were the reincarnation of Oprah winfrey and I was the highest earner and then I could say I don't mind being ignored...frankly I would rather I was ignored....
as of now, I would like all the attention I can gather...I am a vain creature who needs to be told every now and then how wonderfully idiotic and dispensable I am...even that would be a compliment...point being its like how I give all those lesser mortals moments from my precious and short life by even acknowledging them and making them feel that I did even for a split millionth of a second I cared enough to make inane conversation....but there my point proven I shall go silent.....till I state the next part of my case...
I stumbled upon this...and I remembered I had been ignored many a time...was I now famous and doing wonderfully well for myself? not that I knew of..unless in some corner of Mars there was a temple to celebrate my existence on a faraway planet....the god that could not be seen or heard or touched so easily...not that I minded such adulation...but praise from places I couldn't watch and enjoy from is of no use as far as I understand....neither is posthumous praise any good...then what good is your existence?
it's easy to spit out wonderful sounding insensitive nuggets which don't apply to you in any which way....I would say the same if I were the reincarnation of Oprah winfrey and I was the highest earner and then I could say I don't mind being ignored...frankly I would rather I was ignored....
as of now, I would like all the attention I can gather...I am a vain creature who needs to be told every now and then how wonderfully idiotic and dispensable I am...even that would be a compliment...point being its like how I give all those lesser mortals moments from my precious and short life by even acknowledging them and making them feel that I did even for a split millionth of a second I cared enough to make inane conversation....but there my point proven I shall go silent.....till I state the next part of my case...
Hippocrates Oath
ah...but i am not a shrink and i can ramble on...
i love this...
note: if i were but a shrink would i have ushered in more suicides than more success stories of those who bounced back to mental well-being? i have way too many scary thoughts..maybe that's why i am not a shrink in the first place...
zip back to present....
i am glad i can be brutally honest about all...and my bitchy boss and my stupid depressing surroundings and what not...
the point being atleast i can revel in the knowledge that i am talking about people who may be reading it and there is nothing..absolutely nothing they can do about it...
i love the freedom of speech...
i love this...
note: if i were but a shrink would i have ushered in more suicides than more success stories of those who bounced back to mental well-being? i have way too many scary thoughts..maybe that's why i am not a shrink in the first place...
zip back to present....
i am glad i can be brutally honest about all...and my bitchy boss and my stupid depressing surroundings and what not...
the point being atleast i can revel in the knowledge that i am talking about people who may be reading it and there is nothing..absolutely nothing they can do about it...
i love the freedom of speech...
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