Saturday, September 22, 2007

Reality Check

Last night as I sat on the floor staring hard at those idols and pictures of the various gods and goddesses I invoke at innumerable moments, it struck me….

The reality of my situation.

Its ugly. Its something I could do without. But hell…there it is. And maybe once I put it down, it will stop being so immense and unbearable.

It’s like this.

I have always been a dreamer. Colourful, Animated and joyous. Always chasing the stars in my head.

But when that came to living, I didn’t succeed in transforming all those wide-eyed dreams.

The first half was indeed easy.

But then I invited strangers and erstwhile lovers to come help me ruminate.

They chewed for hours, then months…it continued. By when the fire was burnt out, the initiative dead and gone.

I aint looking for a head to throw all the blame on. But at each passing in my life I have resorted to weird strangers to comfort and guide me. And I have been misguided all along.

And last night as I sat, sobbing and looking back, I wondered why I never ever woke up amidst the mis-directed travel. Why didn’t I ever cry out for help? Why didn’t I admit that I was in trouble? Why did I end up with so much emotional and some odd baggage? Why have I become bitter and unforgiving and forever angry?

What is it that I lost in this entire charade?

What is it that I was pleading to have returned?

What would that do for me?

Am I willing to redo all the drama, and embark on a completely new journey?

Am I completely off, from where I should be?

Can I get back?

Can I be the happy, don’t care a damn, ambitious, bewitching me?

Where is she?

Why did she die?

How can I bring her back?

How on earth?

Will I succeed?

Friday, September 14, 2007

Childhood of Modakams

My best memories of Vinayaka Chaturthi are those filled with modakams.

My Paati used to make absolutely yummy ones…. two kinds…one sweet with the traditional jaggery and coconut filling, while the other was spicy and had red chillies in it. The idea was to balance out the palate with hot and sweet modakams.

And we cousins used to fight as to who could eat more.

I remember saving mine up while everyone gobbled them down, and then sitting around licking and devouring them in a purportedly slow manner to drive the others insane and greedy.

Since we grew into our teens and college beckoned, modakams were forgotten and the only modakams we ate were those fashioned by some obscure north Indian in Delhi.

Today on the eve of Chaturthi, I can taste those modakams as I look back and wish those carefree childhood days back….

When all that mattered were playing games, eating hearty yummy meals egged on by Paati and Thatha who took great pride in watching us eat well, and then fighting amongst ourselves as to who got the bigger portion and then listening to stories from Paati and then sleeping together on beds strewn on the floor.

Those were days of bliss.

I wish they would come back again.

My favourite Elephant God....




Gajananam Bhuta Ganathi Sevitam
Kapittha Jambu Palasara Bhaksitam
Uma Sutam Shoka Vinasha Karanam
Namami Vignesvara Pada Pankajam


Saturday, September 08, 2007

Fools Rush In....

What is it about fools and me?

Why is it that I attract all the crap in the vicinity and then they stick on like leeches.

When all I can ever muster up is a deep founded disgust topped with intense violence.

From those above me in the hierarchy to some who merely crossed my line of vision there have been very many who have caused intense negative sensations to arise from deep within my gut.

There is a divine conspiracy on to never cleanse me of these nuts.

They find me in the middle of a night, a hailstorm, an erupting volcano and then never seem to wash away even under the influence of the strongest detergent money can buy.

Today, yet again the Big Boss has asked me to accompany him to prevent him from mouthing inanities and looking congenitally stupid in front of some foreign imported executive.

I have done this umpteen times and each attempt to wriggle out is handled with age-old ease leaving me feel dumb at having finally given in and accepted.

Why is it so hard to understand that my knowledge is not for sharing? If he is so concerned about what his stupid boob filled mouth will vomit out, he should probably try cleaning it out with phenol ever so often. Instead he craves for more boobs and fluids.

Am disgusted with this lot of parasitic folk.

But what irks me beyond repair is how do they find me?

Of all humanity why am I plagued by these despicable beings who deserve to be guillotined?