Resounding Silences

Its deafening...and I wonder if its just me.....he sits there perfectly at ease watching things happen and pass us by without blinking and I wonder if his heart is emitting those little rhythmic beats....


I am on the balcony, watching the multitudes in different shapes with wheels passing me by in a heady rush....to get somewhere, to be with someone, to prove a point, to make a presentation, to buy something, to catch a train/flight.....everyone has a definitive purpose...one that defines their existence, makes them what they are.....knowingly or unknowingly we are all slaves to this "purpose" probably forced down our throats...in most cases by family, fortune or society....very few happen to flap their wings and see the world the way they want it...

No, I am not one of them....here I am trying hard to come to terms with a career that is strangling...where I see nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel...where I have hopped around like a kangaroo nursing the hope that the further I went I was getting closer to success and fame....yet I am so many floors farther from anything that even resembles my choice of life or career or success....I am on the verge of denying my entire existence in this planet....


it is suffocating....to be in a position where some envy you, some look up to you, some want to be you, some don't understand you, some think you are doing wonderfully well, some others cant understand what it the problem in the first place....but all you want to do is show all of them your finger, scream till your lungs feel alive and then run....to reclaim sanity, freedom, creativity and yourself before you fade into a delusion that was not created by you in the very first place.....


am I a failure? it keeps occurring to me over and over again in the dark nights, when I sweat despite the cold and tell myself that with each passing day my alien attributes seem to creep out making me scaringly inhuman....is it just me? I do keep hearing these stories of how everyone gets into a rut the minute they have been in the same job for too long...but I am hardly 27, have been in more than 5 jobs and pretty much hate all of them with equanimity....am I crazy? will I never be satisfied? Christ the neverending questions make me swoon...and yet I like to go back to them and keep pondering, it makes me kill time....makes me look at life with a difference, like an intellectual would and then you can sermonize as to how you realise the inadequacies of the world surrounding you and yet you have succeeded in remaining not only sane but even maintaining your environment the way you want it....


ah here I am going over this rigmarole all over again and wondering if it is just me....one who has so many unanswered questions...with so many glaring blanks, blips and dots in her life.....


I wish that silence would answer me but once.....