Monologue..a discovery

sometimes things around you influence you in some ways you do not want to...but in this case i wrote and wrote and discovered the meaning of a monologue...




Abysmal love


“Love has meaning only insofar as it includes the idea of its continuance. Even what we rather glibly call a love affair, if it comes to an end, may continue as a memory that is pleasing in our lives; we can renew the sense of privilege and reward of having been allowed such intimacy and sharing. But Lust dies at the next dawn, and when it returns in the evening, to search where it may, it is with its own past erased. Love wants to enjoy in other ways the human being whom it has enjoyed in bed; it looks forward to having breakfast. But in the morning Lust is always furtive. It dresses as mechanically as it undressed and heads straight for the door, to return to its own solitude.”
Henry Fairlie


Thick headedness and arrogance clouded my reason as I persisted in loving that man who had vanquished my heart. My overwhelming emotions giving substance to my longing and speech I tried in vain to get him to turn back and come to me. But he had merely chosen to obey societal norms and fate in relinquishing me. My lover was from a land of intelligent women who dazzled their pearls and who indulged in academic debates. Given my origins I had been anything but sufficient to meet his standards. And yet I had left them far behind, these elegant women who sift politics and wheat with as much ease as they sing like nightingales accompanied by a pianist.

At this moment I view my victory as not one that was pathbreaking. It had merely brought on heartache in its wake. I was not enthroned with a prestigious family name, nor was I born with a golden spoon between lips. I had won the worthy soul’s affection by virtue of being unlike the many canaries he knew. But now societal norms bound him to his wedded wife and the family he was called upon to fend for. This moment, one that I had dreaded, was upon me and the seriousness refused to sink in. I was numb to those circumlocutions happening inside me. The tumult of emotions that flitted across his face had me more shaken than the many deaths that I had witnessed and dealt with.

Not once had there been any dishonesty in his propositions. But the deluge had become so forceful, the two actors, us, could not contain the downpour. He had pressed my hand in all honesty and his declaration was in all earnestness. I probed the possibility of us becoming one. If his wife was a virtuous woman she might respect his higher love and not desire him as a husband or lover. She would not keep him bound in a relation that was not founded in love. But life is not that simple. She would prolong the torture for mere pleasure. Neither would she enjoy nor will she allow others to enjoy. Did he have the gall to walk out and defy everyone and every law in the world to build a niche with me? Would I allow something that profound to befall him? Would he regret the hastiness of the emotion?

One part of me cried that if what he felt for me was noble and pure then he would not deceive me or turn away from me so cruelly. Was I searching for an excuse to convert my love into hate? Have I fallen so low that I was searching for an excuse to terminate my natural emotions for the only human being I seemed capable of loving. Here I was willing to adopt perpetual widowhood and celibacy to glorify my love and mourn his loss. The mind, it plays tricks when you least expect it. I was reacting in a womanly fashion to my loss. But I am no mere mortal. I had groomed myself for this defining moment when I was supposed to let go in dignity. To let him be and to lower myself into an abyss from where there was no return.
The many classics I had read and adored came back to me. I wondered about the passion of Heathcliff and Catherine from Wuthering Heights, as they prayed to be joined below six feet of concrete so as to be reborn as partners next time round. Would I ask him to make me such a promise? Or would I settle for a mere declaration of undying love and loyalty till death does us part? Deluding myself seemed to come easily to me these days. Weren’t we being parted this very moment? Not to set sight on each other for the remaining part of our lives?

That didn’t faze me. It was part of our original commitment. We had understood the limitations of our fancies. But the heart it always looks for greener pastures and remains optimistic even in the midst of adversity of the highest order.

My sensibilities had left me long back. The day I had taken the plunge I had sealed my fate along with his in a Pandora’s box.

Solitude did not scare me. What bothered my soul was the loss of the only one who I could relate to. I would remain a loner for the rest of my life and never utter a meaningful word ever again. That made bearing up very difficult. This time when he kissed me goodnight it would be final. A solemn occasion I had to reckon with. The taste would linger in pain till I was buried with all my earthly possessions, which sadly excluded him. Our frankness had been the biggest asset of our being together. We had explored a profane passion. One that would make our families and predecessors bow their head in shame. Those that were mine so to claim had left me to my resources, as they could not fathom something so profound and surreal. But I had persisted. And now I was at the peak and I didn’t know if I wanted to jump off or stand there for eternity giving away all my past promises of being brave at that last moment. That point in my life when I was required to act with rationality. And I simply could not make that call.

That night when I had first set eyes upon him my heart leaped with joy. There were fireworks inside me. I knew in an instant that this was for keeps. And then the awful exclamation from him that he was married made me lose humility and poise and utter things I never thought I knew. Here was the ideal male, the one I had dreamt of, and finally when I bump into him I find out he is already conquered. The ironies of fate stun me no less. But this was the unkindest cut of all. My wait had served no purpose. I felt faint, ready to crumble before him and wondered if that would melt his obdurate heart and make him voice the truth. But there was no remorse on his part.

He stoically reiterated the previous declaration telling me, “ I wouldn’t want you to be misguided. Whatever you do should be done with complete knowledge of the contradiction in my life. And I wont pretend to have been misled into marrying this woman who is my partner for good or for worse. I took this step in all consciousness, but I was terribly mistaken in assuming that this was ideal for me. It is far from that and now I have no recourse. I will honor this commitment I made till the day I die. But I cannot delude myself into believing there will ever be pure and higher love between us. She will always be my wife and we might even have kids. And I am falling in love with you. I admit that in all honesty. Yet my hands are tied and I cannot let this get any further than we already are. I believe you reciprocate my feelings in a greater measure and I am sorry I am doing this to you. Hope you understand the correctness or wrongness of this sometime when you are no longer a chirpy youngster. Something tells me that you are hard to shake off and that hurts me more than you can imagine.”

His monologue made me furious and I was so overcome by emotion I wanted for us to disappear from the face of the earth together. To a land of no return where his wife couldn’t follow and bring him back. These flights of fancy scared me because that was when I realized the depth of what I felt for him. I wanted to holler and pull out my hair. I wanted to stab him and eliminate him in an attempt to own him. The futility of which dawned on me and suddenly I felt faint and held in his arms I was looking up into those solemn loving eyes, my crying heart telling me softly that these wouldn’t be the ones I would see every morning when I woke up.

I believed in conquering and victory had always been mine till this worthy and equal foe came along. Collecting hearts had been my pastime and willingly I had let myself be bowled over. A perfect strike. Unfortunately he dealt with me like I had those who had crossed my path and for once it struck me, the pain that true love brings in its wake. I too had dreamed of a lover more distinguished and accomplished than any of my adorers, who should love me, and whom I should love and to whose will I should blindly surrender mine. This some one was you. When I saw you for the first time, I knew it. But, as my imagination is so sterile, the picture I had formed of you in my mind was not to be compared, even in the most remote degree, to the reality. I too have read something of romances and poetry. But from all that my memory retained of them, I was unable to form a picture that was not far inferior in merit to what I see and divine in you since I have known you. Thus it is that from the moment I saw you I was vanquished and undone.
Since I had attained womanhood I had scorned all those universal temptations that are described as the supreme delight, and which was the culmination of every earthly desire. I belong to another class. A creed that stood out for its non-archetypal beliefs and actions, and I refused any virginal temptation, which the inexperienced mind longs to explore.

My world was already infected and there was no fixed tonic I could call home. Even the silences are thick with quiet, offering what is somehow a dense vacuum. With a kind of child-like appetite that relentlessly scans the immediate horizon for satisfaction and distraction,
I look for something that will provide immediate relief. Every song I hear is a frenzy of syrupy, sweet joy and yet there is nothing that will shine light in my void. I sing to myself in the register of miraculous repetition, that uncanny place in which the familiar is rendered different and deliciously strange.

Now I am being upbraided and accused of levity and weakness. Of guile and falsehood. For admitting a liking that scorns the laws of my forefathers. They had it all going for them and harems they built to ratify their choices. None exist today to help plead my cause. Would I want to be a concubine or mistress who waits all bedecked for her master to come and give her a sly glance when his mood fancies frolicking with her? Isn’t that the only reprieve I could imagine under these untrue circumstances? Greed is a virtue at times, and my ambitious soul craves for more than a secondary role in his life, which I alone could mend and tend to.

Why is this so hard to grasp? The juvenile society we help form has imposed constraints that defy the role of Venus and Cupid and the wholesome concept of love. Why then do they glorify it and make it the pillar on which the longevity of the social contract rests? The man in the leviathan is cruel, brutish, and selfish and he appeals to me for the innocence and purity of reason. I will if I could become one. But am I then assured of returns that I ask for? Nothing is forever claims my mate. Then what is the key to existence, to hope and dreams? The validity of basic concepts from survival to optimism are laid bare and hollow when we negate the underlying principle that allows continuity.

There may be even something mysterious, something supernatural in what is unfolding, for I loved you from the moment I first saw you—almost before I saw you. Long before I was conscious of loving you, I loved you. It would seem as if there were some fatality in this—that it was decreed, that it was predestination. But you choose to ignore this, which transcends your being too. Then why not submit to this chaotic flow and resist the role of externalities. Surrender to the ethereal love that consumes you and another in their turn for you. For it is true indeed that I can conceive of nothing so original and pure beneath God and your staunchness in sticking to banal restrictions of society and a plight you brought upon yourself defy logic and reason.

When you claim to have obligations, do you consider what it is that you should feel for me? Or is my independence enough to debar me from such considerations. I succeeded in making you feel what you felt was real love. Or is it that a love more loft and powerful than mine is necessary to quell your thirst? I believe in my heart that you say and do this to debase me so that I will harbor negative emotions for you. It’s sad that you haven’t yet realized that value and nature of my feelings. Your imminent pleas for me to move on and give up on a jaded old being wedded already to a loveless union are ones that fall on deaf ears because we both know what importance this relationship, however clandestine, holds in our lives. I might not be the one who inspires you to levels unknown. But I do care and share my destiny with you to know what makes you tick in all situations.

Incase its separation that will make you happy I will happily allow you that. Yet my heart longs for you to say that you love me and need me because you do. And that no matter what our feelings will not die in a flush of momentary allegiance to your wedded vows. I fear of losing you more than I fear death. You refuse to believe the profound love you have inspired in me and a part of me understands that it contends against what you are expected to do. So in a way I am not to expect anything from you ever.

Your defence mechanism leads you to debase and insult me. You hope fervently that I will take it to heart and forget. You expect me to elevate myself to your level and act like ours is a passion not bound by earthly strings. You want our love to be one that is not full of shame and secrecy. One that is without hatred, dishonor and corruption. Well I strive to be what you expect of your partner. I also know that despite these transgressions I will succumb to your request and leave you alone to deal with the adversities you so hate, all by yourself and act deaf like you want me to when you cry out in pain. You should also know that I do not understand these sublime concepts your tongue throws out. I am absolutely human in that I want to caress you, your entire person seduces me and charms me to no end, and I perceive you as a non-solvable mystery. Being so close to having you and losing you to destiny is neither acceptable nor fathomable to me. And I refuse to swallow these refinements of love that are way beyond my league. But I will be the ever-obedient mate you wanted and go through pangs of sorrow and need in alternation. My rebellious will refuses to move on and I am not punishing you by remaining stubborn. I am merely being fair to my soul, which cries for justice and redemption.
I would kill if I could, to make you mine. But then I do not win anything, not even your soul in the bargain. And so I acquiesce and let you go free. You won’t hear me whimper or throw myself into the river. I shall live honorably and remain worthy of your love if ever you should reconsider returning to me. I shall continue loving you with all the intensity of the passion I have now and my solitude will teach you the virtue of dreams and perseverance. There will be a day when you realize you have lost me to fate and silence. Just promise me that if ever I were to proposition you, the answer I hear shall be nothing but positive. That would make me live another quarter century so that when I meet my maker I can ask him for just one wish—to make you mine if ever we are born again!


“Love is the profoundest of secrets. Divulged, even to the beloved, it is no longer love. As if it were merely I that loved you. When love ceases, then it is divulged.”
Henry David Thoreau




DK
30th June 2002