How Do I?

The revelations are scary. I deluded myself into domestication. Now I don’t know if I really wanted all this baggage that came along. With each passing day the muck sticks on a little harder and the more I scrub the more skin I expose to pain. I wonder if I should have listened to more enlightened souls when they yelled themselves hoarse that what I was embarking on was for the sane and the stable. I was neither and yet I figured maybe the constant exposure to these might convert me.

I am way far from conversion and from enjoying the ride. So then what shall I do?

How do I deal with these flashes of wanting to bail out? How do I replace them with fragments of sanity? How do I deal with other “weighty issues”? And convince myself that mere stress is leading me to do things that are merely screwing up my health some more? How do I replace prolonged periods of sadness with minutes of joy that last in the memory to cheer for a lifetime? How do I deal with failure?

How do I deal with the tears? How do I deal with the false laughter? How do I deal with the silly companionship promises? How do I deal with the lack of warmth? How do I deal with the brimming anger that scares even me every time it surfaces? How do I deal with the madness? How do I deal with the insomnia? How do I deal with the fatigue? How do I deal with the hunger?

How do I deal with the lack of intelligence? How do I deal with ugliness? How do I deal with constant bickering with family? How do I deal with those who let me down? How do I deal with those who understood? How do I deal with those who turned their backs on me? How do I deal with who voluntarily harmed me and then left me exposed? How do I deal with ever tempting death and freedom? Why should I deal with life?