For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
So spoke the bible...
And now on the threshold of marriage I wonder like Churchill, "how many torments lie in the small circle of a wedding ring"....
Eerie....those little adjustments which will always be mine to make voluntarily...those little pains that I shall cry for in the pantry, sobbing lightly so that no one might hear...those little smiles, I will pass on at strangers at my dinner table while I serve them the choicest wine and meats...those numerous fights, I shall want to win, yet have to lose...those innumerous times I would look at him while he slept peacefully as I ironed the pile on the ground...those numerous times while I cooked and cooked and waited for someone to come, smack her fingers and say this is not my poor boy is used to....those many times when the other "daughter" cooked better meats, and baked softer cakes....those many times I broke into a tune and was told it was interrupting with the cricket match commentary...those many times, I wished life had been full of roses and he came back reeking of liquor....
I shudder....mine may or may not be the one that makes fairytales....yet something in me hopes and prays it s something I cherish and never cringe at...something I will want 40 years from now....something that will put a smile on my face even when memory has failed me....something that will make me go pink even when my wrinkles are larger than I can make out the difference....something that I will love....
Let the heavens shower their choicest blessings on me.....
Amen!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Monster of Ingratitude
Ingratus est, qui beneficium accepisse senegat, quod accepit: ingratus est, qui dissimulat; ingratus, qui non reddit; ingratissimus omnium, qui oblitus est.....Lucius Annaeus Seneca
He denies me the basic courtesies.....out of sheer love.....it was to be expected he claims...I am a couple....
He denies me the basic courtesies.....out of sheer love.....it was to be expected he claims...I am a couple....
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Undoing My Anonymity
Poetic justice...You are tied to a pole....a man has your legs dangling over a little fire....and someone else is tickling your ears....the confusion makes your eyes sob and your mouth laugh....you are not you anymore...while the audience hoots, and throws a paper plane with BITCH screaming from it....another whispers, she deserves it....the witch...she made me chop off my fingers in disgust...i was but a budding writer....
Life's a fair game of troughs and hillocks...i learnt wave motion when my lanky professor danced across the classroom floor, enacting the up and down movement...and now i realise that the sea merely mirrors our existence...and the calm is just another prelude...while the pages are being filled up by that man up there, hidden between those bluish blobs....sniggering at the futility of all those rubies and diamonds that decorate those hapless human fingers...
what was going to hit me? would i become another gollum? live on for another 589 years...trying to capture the essence of my life? as i became even more wretched in my upper floor?
would i merely shrivel and die unloved, unknown rather despised and disgusting?
i fear anonymity........
I dont want to be just another woman....who is unconventional, complete, anonymous.....
Life's a fair game of troughs and hillocks...i learnt wave motion when my lanky professor danced across the classroom floor, enacting the up and down movement...and now i realise that the sea merely mirrors our existence...and the calm is just another prelude...while the pages are being filled up by that man up there, hidden between those bluish blobs....sniggering at the futility of all those rubies and diamonds that decorate those hapless human fingers...
what was going to hit me? would i become another gollum? live on for another 589 years...trying to capture the essence of my life? as i became even more wretched in my upper floor?
would i merely shrivel and die unloved, unknown rather despised and disgusting?
i fear anonymity........
I dont want to be just another woman....who is unconventional, complete, anonymous.....
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
THE UBSB!!!!
Behold....there she comes...she is UBSB or the Universal Byte Supplying Bitch....
for a lay man that simply means that SHE likes to help any one from the MALE SPECIES...minus a genuine cause or request....and offers to accumulate bytes from all and sundry so that in future if he is in need of them, he will not have to roam about in the sun....
an absolutely pontific thing to do....
and the repayment mode smacks of sheer lust....
ah the travails of someone who is trying desperately to ensure that there is something hard between their legs and it stays there week long too.....
tch tch.....
but surprise surprise....she is not just about bytes....
she exhibits traits that need to be chronicled for future reference by behaviour analysts and their kinds....
her very curious aberrations manifest themselves only when the opposite sex steers anywhere close to her...or is ready to catch on to her perky comments or her hormone induced stench/mating scent....
curiosity killed the crow...
but here I am wondering what it is that goes on in that brain...a vacuum filled zone....
and those scary wrinkles and silly grin and badly wicked hair and horrendous dress sense...God save those mortals who cross her path and look even remotely helpless...
hmmm do you need a byte my man????
for a lay man that simply means that SHE likes to help any one from the MALE SPECIES...minus a genuine cause or request....and offers to accumulate bytes from all and sundry so that in future if he is in need of them, he will not have to roam about in the sun....
an absolutely pontific thing to do....
and the repayment mode smacks of sheer lust....
ah the travails of someone who is trying desperately to ensure that there is something hard between their legs and it stays there week long too.....
tch tch.....
but surprise surprise....she is not just about bytes....
she exhibits traits that need to be chronicled for future reference by behaviour analysts and their kinds....
her very curious aberrations manifest themselves only when the opposite sex steers anywhere close to her...or is ready to catch on to her perky comments or her hormone induced stench/mating scent....
curiosity killed the crow...
but here I am wondering what it is that goes on in that brain...a vacuum filled zone....
and those scary wrinkles and silly grin and badly wicked hair and horrendous dress sense...God save those mortals who cross her path and look even remotely helpless...
hmmm do you need a byte my man????
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Resounding Silences
Its deafening...and I wonder if its just me.....he sits there perfectly at ease watching things happen and pass us by without blinking and I wonder if his heart is emitting those little rhythmic beats....
I am on the balcony, watching the multitudes in different shapes with wheels passing me by in a heady rush....to get somewhere, to be with someone, to prove a point, to make a presentation, to buy something, to catch a train/flight.....everyone has a definitive purpose...one that defines their existence, makes them what they are.....knowingly or unknowingly we are all slaves to this "purpose" probably forced down our throats...in most cases by family, fortune or society....very few happen to flap their wings and see the world the way they want it...
No, I am not one of them....here I am trying hard to come to terms with a career that is strangling...where I see nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel...where I have hopped around like a kangaroo nursing the hope that the further I went I was getting closer to success and fame....yet I am so many floors farther from anything that even resembles my choice of life or career or success....I am on the verge of denying my entire existence in this planet....
it is suffocating....to be in a position where some envy you, some look up to you, some want to be you, some don't understand you, some think you are doing wonderfully well, some others cant understand what it the problem in the first place....but all you want to do is show all of them your finger, scream till your lungs feel alive and then run....to reclaim sanity, freedom, creativity and yourself before you fade into a delusion that was not created by you in the very first place.....
am I a failure? it keeps occurring to me over and over again in the dark nights, when I sweat despite the cold and tell myself that with each passing day my alien attributes seem to creep out making me scaringly inhuman....is it just me? I do keep hearing these stories of how everyone gets into a rut the minute they have been in the same job for too long...but I am hardly 27, have been in more than 5 jobs and pretty much hate all of them with equanimity....am I crazy? will I never be satisfied? Christ the neverending questions make me swoon...and yet I like to go back to them and keep pondering, it makes me kill time....makes me look at life with a difference, like an intellectual would and then you can sermonize as to how you realise the inadequacies of the world surrounding you and yet you have succeeded in remaining not only sane but even maintaining your environment the way you want it....
ah here I am going over this rigmarole all over again and wondering if it is just me....one who has so many unanswered questions...with so many glaring blanks, blips and dots in her life.....
I wish that silence would answer me but once.....
I am on the balcony, watching the multitudes in different shapes with wheels passing me by in a heady rush....to get somewhere, to be with someone, to prove a point, to make a presentation, to buy something, to catch a train/flight.....everyone has a definitive purpose...one that defines their existence, makes them what they are.....knowingly or unknowingly we are all slaves to this "purpose" probably forced down our throats...in most cases by family, fortune or society....very few happen to flap their wings and see the world the way they want it...
No, I am not one of them....here I am trying hard to come to terms with a career that is strangling...where I see nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel...where I have hopped around like a kangaroo nursing the hope that the further I went I was getting closer to success and fame....yet I am so many floors farther from anything that even resembles my choice of life or career or success....I am on the verge of denying my entire existence in this planet....
it is suffocating....to be in a position where some envy you, some look up to you, some want to be you, some don't understand you, some think you are doing wonderfully well, some others cant understand what it the problem in the first place....but all you want to do is show all of them your finger, scream till your lungs feel alive and then run....to reclaim sanity, freedom, creativity and yourself before you fade into a delusion that was not created by you in the very first place.....
am I a failure? it keeps occurring to me over and over again in the dark nights, when I sweat despite the cold and tell myself that with each passing day my alien attributes seem to creep out making me scaringly inhuman....is it just me? I do keep hearing these stories of how everyone gets into a rut the minute they have been in the same job for too long...but I am hardly 27, have been in more than 5 jobs and pretty much hate all of them with equanimity....am I crazy? will I never be satisfied? Christ the neverending questions make me swoon...and yet I like to go back to them and keep pondering, it makes me kill time....makes me look at life with a difference, like an intellectual would and then you can sermonize as to how you realise the inadequacies of the world surrounding you and yet you have succeeded in remaining not only sane but even maintaining your environment the way you want it....
ah here I am going over this rigmarole all over again and wondering if it is just me....one who has so many unanswered questions...with so many glaring blanks, blips and dots in her life.....
I wish that silence would answer me but once.....
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