Sylvia was right.

I know exactly what she felt.

It’s happened to me oh so many times. This confusion as to what I should be doing. Do I want to shriek and cry or remain in the throes of some anguish I cannot explain? Do I want to be joyous and break into a smile? Or do I want to be morose and throw things at the window in the hope that some shard will spring back and hurt me letting the blood flow copiously?

Is there a solution to this torture? How do I see beyond this? I want to be happy. Everything around me at present is the way I wanted them to be, then what is it that irks me in the setting? Am I missing somebody? Do I want someone to say something…but there is nothing I am longing to hear. Is there some song I want to listen to at this very instant? Will it soothe my nerves so that I can get back to my chores? I don’t know what I really want. I want to run away from the root of this disturbance.

Why does it afflict me so, that even when I want to be happy, it plunges me into the throes of depression? Why do I feel torn between these two worlds that I shudder to inhabit? What is it that will make it better for me? Or make this moment pass with minimal pain?

Have I wanted to take my life? Have I attempted to make this end? Yes. I am not ashamed. All I wanted was to be free from this torment that made me dither. That made me wonder if I had it in me to survive, to make it to another day, to see the hope in the eyes that watch me through the night, to see the pain in those faces that wait anxiously to take the pain unto themselves, to be able to write once again, to be loved despite my flaws, to be born pure again, to be pristine and simple…

Those moments are not my best. They were shards of illusion when I felt that one single swipe with that knife could make it all go away. When I felt that these un-deserving mortals would be punished for having spoken or thought ill of me. When I assumed that it would finally bring me into a world of peace, where only my intentions and wills mattered.

They are times when I felt; that my sole aim was to walk into another disaster from the one I was surviving. That I lacked the capability of making one sane choice that would let me be myself in all moments of waking.

What did I want from this universe? I have no answers. And that makes me scared. Of lapsing into one of those unforeseen moments of irrationality and senselessness…of worry and suffocation….of fear and the lack of freedom…of wanting to break free…..

I need help!