The confusion is driving me insane. One would have thought that merely thinking would not make events occur. Apparently not in my case....some of dreams are playing themselves out...in an extremely eerie fashion....its spooking me to say the least...but the realisation happened only now.
I am caught between the desire to stop imagining silly things and wanting to see them happen, even if its only in the distant future.
Someone asked me if I had ever attempted to annihilate myself. I wanted to say a host of things...but cat got the tongue at the appropriate moment. It ain't a worthless mission at all...frankly there have been numerous moments when I wanted to fly away and be free limp and free like a piece of cotton wool being swept away by the strong gust of wind just before a downpour, when the sand and the trees smell heavenly, when the dust sits in your eyes making tears tumble down without any reason, when every breathe you take feels muddy and suffocating and as if the flu were setting on, when the coffee suddenly turns cold and you are too lazy to walk across to pour yourself another cup, when the packet of chips in that woman's hand seems so delectable you are willing to extend a hand of friendship to that otherwise loud behenji, when all you want to do is cuddle in front of the fire inside your quilt with enough to eat and drink and the TV roaring and your teddy bear tucked in beside you....
I want so many things from life...but all my fantasies seem to play truant the minute I sit down to conjure up a moment of pleasure....
Its funny how, when you are down in the dumps and a stranger smiles at you, you say a silent prayer expecting hell to come down on him with all its fury, for the simple reason that he has what you assume has passed you by....it happened to me, yet again while I was walking past the canteen....and what was her crime...she was thin!
I am being eaten from inside...how much more time do I have to make things fall into place? I don't know. It worries me no end...
I want so many truths to be laid bare...to make amends with my past...to relive those golden moments guiltless...I want to be loved so hard and so deep.....I want so much more...from everybody, all things alive....
But all they do is stare back blankly.
Stop.
I deserve to be happy.
I deserve joy.
I deserve love.
I deserve a life.
I deserve everything.
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