Reality Check

Last night as I sat on the floor staring hard at those idols and pictures of the various gods and goddesses I invoke at innumerable moments, it struck me….

The reality of my situation.

Its ugly. Its something I could do without. But hell…there it is. And maybe once I put it down, it will stop being so immense and unbearable.

It’s like this.

I have always been a dreamer. Colourful, Animated and joyous. Always chasing the stars in my head.

But when that came to living, I didn’t succeed in transforming all those wide-eyed dreams.

The first half was indeed easy.

But then I invited strangers and erstwhile lovers to come help me ruminate.

They chewed for hours, then months…it continued. By when the fire was burnt out, the initiative dead and gone.

I aint looking for a head to throw all the blame on. But at each passing in my life I have resorted to weird strangers to comfort and guide me. And I have been misguided all along.

And last night as I sat, sobbing and looking back, I wondered why I never ever woke up amidst the mis-directed travel. Why didn’t I ever cry out for help? Why didn’t I admit that I was in trouble? Why did I end up with so much emotional and some odd baggage? Why have I become bitter and unforgiving and forever angry?

What is it that I lost in this entire charade?

What is it that I was pleading to have returned?

What would that do for me?

Am I willing to redo all the drama, and embark on a completely new journey?

Am I completely off, from where I should be?

Can I get back?

Can I be the happy, don’t care a damn, ambitious, bewitching me?

Where is she?

Why did she die?

How can I bring her back?

How on earth?

Will I succeed?