Taking stock

There is a sense of loss filling me up…even as the smiles cling to my skin I wonder where this phase is headed.

I know deep within that this might make or break the next leg of my professional career and even as I navigate potholes with the dexterity of an F1 driver, something in me cries out at this injustice.

All the moves can be dated back to the fights I had…the numerous arguments fighting for my worth and for justice…for promises made to me that were forgotten…for mistakes I didn’t commit and was forced to take the blame for…against egos that could not take the anger and resilience in a voice that refused to shut off….

Those have blotted my career like none else…Everytime I was passed over for a more mediocre yet more accomplished “sucker” I watched from the sidelines…holding on to shards of confidence that warned of slipping away.

I never learnt the art of tact, diplomacy or mere networking or hob-nobbing with the powers that be. I have always believed (still do) that my work alone should speak for itself…and hence the many coffees and dinners I turned down and the many smiles I refused to flash earned me nothing but wrath and anger.

The people of the world were never my concern and hence I could not sympathize or empathize with those that deserved not a second’s attention.

And it has left me way behind in the race for recognition. And each time a face from my times, stares back at me from the TV screen or otherwise, while furiously climbing the ladders of success something in me dies. The belief that maybe mere mediocrity, and sometimes even things way beneath that coupled with sheer people skills could take a person to the echelon of success has made dents in my brain and many other places.

The anger and hatred I feel at these silly fools is so immense I refuse to take stock for fear of it consuming me. But then again I cannot but turn a blind eye to those who stare back while I fight for what is rightfully mine. Maybe I should have been amoral, dishonest, a pseudo who could sweet-talk the pants off anyone. Alas that one eludes me like the plague.

I sure don’t deserve this. The result of working hard, giving away my better years, my life in a sense…of being scrupulous and simply honest.

And today taking stock just prior to entering my 28th year, I wonder if I weren’t equipped at all for all the better things in life and for the success I thought was due me!