.......Stumped

The traffic is crawling in contrast to the peppy rhythm of that Bollywood tune blasting out of the radio. The car seems slower than a snail and the air is heavy with tinges of gasoline and vapour.

I am bemused at the honkers and the little kids trying to sell their wares amidst this cacophony. I have been intently staring out of the window…deliberately avoiding conversation. I feel angry…terribly angry and maybe even let down.

The master of the house has decided…he has to attend that silly charade to please the higher ups and ensure nothing goes wrong with his stellar career…. while feasting on visuals of skimpily clad bimbos from his office and their offshoots across India. The agenda of this do…nothing but partying and so-called training (for what and in what I don’t want to speculate…but there it is managing to make everything seem so official and desirable)

Reason asks me if I shouldn’t merely let go…considering nothing in this world can be saved my mere paranoia or fear or concentrated thinking by one. I have my fears…my insecurities…and I have absolutely justifiable and valid reasons for all of them…. unfortunately everyone seems to think its silly to impose my quirks on someone else and suffocate them too….

How else does one find redemption…do you allow yourself to be continually sucked into the vortex of fear, abandonment, jealousy, insecurity and a lot of other meshed up shit? Or do you find someone who understands and hankers along without triggering another panic attack? Or do you bury them so deep they can’t surface at all? Or do you put on an act every so often sometimes you forget what reality is?

The world warned me against straying into such a situation…. they pleaded continuously asking me to stay single in order to deal with my demons and allow myself justice and sanity. As always I didn’t comprehend then…and I disobeyed. Now I am beginning to pay the price.

When everything above your chin is completely screwed up and enmeshed in crap…the best option is to isolate yourself and deal with the nonsense one by one. Or even assuming you cant deal with them…the solitude will offer suggestions and solutions…. when in a pairing…. the vapour thickens…clarity eludes…you subvert the issues to ensure peace and longevity…but where does that leave you?