At my wit's end!

The lies are getting to me. All my plans for a surprise seem to be dithering, with my search throwing up no meaningful answers. It worries me....I don't want despair to make me retreat from my seemingly intelligent and useful idea! But it seems the world is bent on making me bite my nails till the very last hour....by when I would have given up all hope and even the end result may seem unpleasant.

Out of the Shadows

"If there is anything in the world more annoying than having people talk about you, it is certainly having no one talk about you."
Oscar Wilde

He was an absolute stranger, a tad obnoxious too I thought. And then it all changed. "I've seen your byline in the papers...." He had said the magic words. And suddenly I smiled and made my peace.....

Silly to the point of insignificance one might say...but to me it was proof that finally in whatever minimal form someone somewhere had noticed me. And knew me in some fashion. I was beaming and I knew it was showing too. Not that I bloody cared.

The point is finally the stint with anonymity has come to a pleasing conclusion. I had cribbed, hollered and even sobbed in pure anguish. At being reduced to something that had no value in this wide world. Then this break happened and here I am being noticed for the one thing I have always wanted to showcase to the world. My way with words.

Yes, there is no modesty left in me. My ebbing confidence in the dark phase ate away into the remaining bit of it. Now I feel hiding behind unfelt and uncalled for characteristics is merely taking away from me my own future. So I shall holler into the night....People stand up and see me. I am no longer hiding within the dark shadows. I am here for all you men and women to see.
Look up and make me feel loved, hated, wanted, despised or anything else...

Know me in your own way. I will know I am alive.

Absurdity that's life

This life so worn out,
a mirage
not of consequence
to end up as ashes.
Why an overconcerted effort?
These unwanted concerns
of human existence
a trivial pastime
to merely satiate a stranger's curiosity.
Why take on the excess burden?
One that could be avoided.
Yet these nonsensical forays
that rule our senses
add meaning to the very absurdity
called life...

Mangled Choices!

A lot of running around and grumbling later the summit is over and I'm heaving a sigh of relief. Sitting through endless sessions of gibberish and sleepily masked yawns later, I have realised what it takes to be on the road, wiping off the grime and legging it some more in the garb of a reporter. I always cribbed when they asked me about my role as a producer. To me that was silly, to sit behind a comp, with all the controls in my hand, trying to dole out news bulletins under the nicely chilled AC sipping on coffee.

Life's weird. The choices we have and make are weirder. I always thought my life has been about surviving the impossible and then coming out into the open with another folly. Then I got married and thought it was the smartest thing I ever did, to settle down with somebody who embodied pretty much all that I wanted on certain levels. (after all perfect matches look only good on television!) I was in love and we were determined that we would make it work.

But reverting to square one, there have been times I have wandered into the studio and felt so at home...when the controls were buzzing, when my ear-piece is in place, and I am yelling at the director to cut from here to there even as I mumble into the anchor's ears little tit bits about what I am showing on TV. When reams of tapes and shots have gone amiss and I have to run a 6 hour special, I have felt so at ease, not a thought astray. But somehow all the glory I wanted and still seek from television seem to be the only ones denied me. I wanted to stand amidst a burning mob passing on information to my studio, to be atop a tree doing my link even as the camera about me whirred in pics of the minister talking to the PM before he hopped onto a flight...I wanted more than my 5 minutes of fame, and they didn't want me to have exactly that!

So what was that one big irreversible flaw in me that prevented them from allowing me to follow my dream? I haven't yet understood the reason behind the conspiracy, but there it is in public domain, tormenting me, forcing me to question my choices, my academic pursuits and a lot more...

Fast forward....lost in this unbecoming city....searching for another chance to push my foot within those eluding walls....to chase my dream...and see it translated into tangible shots of fame....no yet again the forces are at work...now I have to question my belief, my confidence and a whole lot else.

So I look for short change...and now I am basking in the glory of something that lends me a different yet extremely visible and slightly lasting high. I write to be known. Some read, some set aside, but my name shall glare back vehemently at one and all and expect and chide to be read.

In some unfathomable way shall I console myself that I have but arrived though in a planet known only to those unknown bennys?

Hmmm till I decipher this one for my self I shall take leave...

If Looks Could Kill!

Clad in purple, she stares across partitions. Her look indicating that I might have wronged her beyond pardon. I stare back with the innocence of a stranger.

Rewind.

She and my hubby were mates. Went to class together, whispered sweet nothings together, passed silly comments together and watched out for each other. Then I walked in head held high. Stood aloof on the empty terrace smoking with not a care in the world. He watched me stealthily. Fell madly in love. Tied the knot and forgot her with good cause.

Now as I enter the same workplace...eager to make my mark in the powerful and gigantic world, her ugly looks spread ill will...make other sweet strangers run for cover...leaving me friendless and a loner in this new planet I had hoped to conquer.

Who is to blame? My love, my confidence or her insignificance for letting her dwell in anonymity.

I like rubbishing inconsequential lesser mortals. I have succeeded in doing so yet again. Now she wants me dead.

But I shall survive!

Second Time Lucky!

Another one from me folks....

and extremely visible yet again!

Here's the link....

http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JQkcvMjAwNy8wMS8xMyNBcjAxODAx&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom



Comment:For AOL users: http://www.blogger.com/">http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JQkcvMjAwNy8wMS8xMyNBcjAxODAx&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom

Good morning Mumbai!

Not in the disgusting intonation that Vidya Balan used in Lage Raho Munnabhai. But with my little piece titled Passage to India....Guys I am here!

Ready for flight

"To fly as fast as thought, you must begin by knowing that you have already arrived." Richard Bach

Now I can soar up and fly....for now my dreams seem to be within reach. And not clouded over by the greying mist and the towering hills. I am now in sight of my future. And I can smile.

I Have Arrived!

My first byline in print. Bangalore edition TOI. Am so kicked. And the size of the article made it all worth it.

Here's the link....

http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JQkcvMjAwNy8wMS8xMCNBcjAyMjAx&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom


For AOL users: http://www.blogger.com/">http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JQkcvMjAwNy8wMS8xMCNBcjAyMjAx&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom

Well people I have ARRIVED!

Don't be afraid Girl!

“If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” Jesse Jackson

This is what I have wanted for oh so long. And now I will not let anything keep me from letting myself fly. I have to make my mark no matter how small and I will. So all I need are good wishes sent my way through every medium possible. After all my ill luck I want to smile.

On the road to fame!

Well fame of sorts I would say.....but then if lakhs of people reading your name and recognizing it the second time round does not account for fame, I don't know what does.

Point is I am a print journalist after so many years of running away from broadsheet writing. I wanted spontaneity and zero time lag in news. And then I shun it for this...ironical and silly to an extent is all I can say. But then fate intervened and I conveniently will allocate all blame to that one factor that cannot hit back.

So here I am waiting for my first byline to appear.....

psst...should be latest by Wednesday.