“When love becomes labored we welcome an act of infidelity towards ourselves to free us from fidelity” --- François de la Rochefoucauld
In the last five years, a zillion times I have pondered, what forced him to commit such a heinous act? It was unforgivable then, and now.
What is it that spurs a human being to stray; from those he/she professes to love more than themselves?
Is it boredom, is it for pleasure or the thrill of the chase, or a craving for variety, or lust, or physical and/or emotional needs, or despair, or depression, or loneliness, or anger, or revenge, or pure mirth, or sheer disregard for another, or destiny or something beyond all that?
It had stung really hard, and has permeated sensibilities of mine, that are invisible to the naked eye or brain and now impede pure happiness and innocence in me.
Why? I ask myself, for I never got an answer.
Now as I build happiness with another, I am forced to relook and try and discard those fears and numbing feelings so as not to cast a dark shadow on the honesty of that which exists now.
I wonder if ever I shall break free of those shackles that bind me for life? How I shall mete out justice to this one who loves me beyond compare now and gives me happiness I didn’t dream of by worrying myself green that history might repeat itself.
How can you walk away from something that hurt you so bad and bury it so deep it can never again resurface?
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4 comments:
this post is heavy. it is difficult, isn't it? we all have our baggages and most of us just are unable to off load.
about the 'why'...well, i don't really know. it could just be fickle mindedness - as it is for me. which is why i try hard to stay away from relationships. then again, sometimes i think we are just driven by something far more powerful than we can imagine...
good to be back here.
and don't worry - i don't think in this case history is gonna repeat itself :)
off load....hmmm nice way of putting that. yes offloading seems to be the most difficult part, and despite passage of time, its not any bit easier.
and i have my fingers crossed. once bitten, twice shy eh?
ah! i wouldn't know, for bitten, beaten, fallen many a times, and yet far from shy i am.
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