A Page from SR's Life!

“Suspicion is most often useless pain.” Samuel Johnson

"We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal." Tennessee Williams

He wrote….“Despite my love for you, you will never get rid of your suspicious nature…do what you want, I don’t care…”

I was angry, irritated but for once I was not ridden with suspicion. I merely wanted to know why he hadn’t picked up my call. And to accentuate my anger, I cut his calls. Why was anger and rebuttal only his prerogative?

Now he has once again made accusations. He has made them in the past. Like I have. But I had begun to lay off. Matrimony I had believed would gradually ease me from all my jealousies and suspicions. My concocted visuals and fears were beginning to die a natural death. I had slowly begun to laugh along at jokes about women, flirtations and all else. So then, why push me into the abyss again?

I have never masked my failings. I have proclaimed my flaws pretending often that it would allow me to choose and belong only to the worthy. Today it seems to have turned on its head. Its biting at my soul and threatening to kill my happiness.

I was betrayed once. While on the road to recovery, all my fundamentals were rudely shaken when another mental blow was dealt me. This time I had to play nurse and help the others involved in order to restore a semblance of order. My upper floors creaked and groaned. They couldn’t take all the weight. The unexpressed fears, anger, wailing, abuse, hurt, disgust, helplessness all faded into a corner. They scratched into the fabric like there was no tomorrow. I was afflicted with a disease, which I had guffawed at when my peers had told me about it. Now I was the worst victim I knew. Or would ever know.

Then I found love again. I thought it would cure me. Over time. And all I asked for in return was patience, for I had promised fidelity. It was hard, and self-defeating most times, but I had promised and that meant more than anything I could ever delude myself of. So I persevered. I was getting there though with baby steps.

But my reputation prevents him to see the light. All my follies of the past are playing catch up and he seems to have donned the hat of referee. I am not proud of my actions, but to punish me forever for those acts in the distant yesterdays seems inhuman and terribly unfair.

I once asked him about a “Cinderella”. He accused me of reading his mails on the sly. I had never ever dreamt of such an action.

I accused him of wanting to spend time with “his genuine colleagues and friends”. He reminded me of my wrong doings during our rough shod days, when we almost called it all off.

Today he has told me that he doesn’t care any more since I can never get rid of my suspicious nature.

The fault it mine and mine alone to bear to the grave.

Maybe I was never meant to settle down. Those had been divine messages to prevent me from embarking on a holy matrimony trip.

My affections have cost someone so dear and so close, his entire life and his shot at companionship.

It has caused many hearts to ache and still I persevered.

I wasn’t the best in town, but we chose each other knowing all our faults. So now to hold them against the other is the most shameful act.

When he decided to pursue his dream I relented and stepped back to support as was necessary and right.

Today I suffer in silence of the many times I let my dreams run asunder and put my love above me.

Today I am a long way off from some dreams I had cherished since the day I knew to tell the clock.

Today I am doling out advice to all and sundry while I languish in the darkness of the choices I have made for myself.

Did I deserve this?

Was I the most despicable thing to walk this earth that I am being tested over and over again?

What more is in store?

Why did you create me in this form and give me all my follies if you were going to make me pay every time I used one of them to meet my ends?

Why create me at all?

Why put so many flaws in me that everyone wants to keep me at arms’ length and still they cringe when they have to pick me?
Why not give me the courage and strength to be on my own?

Why not deliver me from my sins and leave me with a pinch of happiness?

I can’t take it any more.

I am tired. Or being made to err. Then being made to pay for the crime.

They say all our lives are written out in that gold book.

Erase me.

I don’t want no more.



NOTE: From the diary of SR.

The only thing I have wanted to possess since my student days. And finally it’s mine, to keep and savour.