I have always patted myself for being fearless and unshaken. But I am scared. Of the unknown, of something that I cannot define. It follows me with a knowing and evil eye. It has made me fear every whisper in the breeze, every shadow that crosses my window, every added breath that comes along with the wind, every creak emitted by the doors, every frightened glance I make over my shoulder half expecting the figure that will in short answer and sum up that fear.
What is it that maketh fear? They say the only thing you need to fear is fear itself. But then what about all those things you cannot name or define, you cannot control or overcome; you cannot abolish or live with? What other emotion do you extend to those unnamed things? What do you call the emotion that they evoke? Awe? Or simple, plain undefined fear?
I am crippled by this unknown force…that I believe is watching me and studying me without my permission. Making decisions for me and marking me out as its prey. Transforming me into a puppet that is enacting the verses put down by “it”. I have become an actor, a slave to the thoughts and provocations of someone, something unknown. And I have no hope or means of redeeming myself.
Why choose me? The solitary reaper? With not a sense of drama furthering her existence? Why not pick on a much celebrated or revered being, whose eye lashes keep furtively blinking so as not to mar the perfect snap? Why poor mundane me?
I have been forced into hibernation by this unknown and unwanted fear. I don’t like being held hostage by things I cannot even hate or blame in entirety. Why not have adversaries that you can holler at? Instead of echoes that merely surround the empty walls!
I have always been claustrophobic and this new form of containment will not leave me human for long.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
My new found love
E E CUMMINGS
i carry your heart with me(i carry it inmy heart)i am never without it(anywherei go you go,my dear;and whatever is doneby only me is your doing,my darling) i fearno fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i wantno world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it's you are whatever a moon has always meantand whatever a sun will always sing is youhere is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the budand the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which growshigher than soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars aparti carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
i carry your heart with me(i carry it inmy heart)i am never without it(anywherei go you go,my dear;and whatever is doneby only me is your doing,my darling) i fearno fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i wantno world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it's you are whatever a moon has always meantand whatever a sun will always sing is youhere is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the budand the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which growshigher than soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars aparti carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Irritating Tongues….
Her nasal overtone is killing. The lady is pretending to be oh so prim and proper….the epitome of class and sophistication. Christ, I would infact buy it if only she would stop alternating between tongues….why is she so confused about the origins of her accent….someone told me she is from Coorg.
So why does she alternate between every continent she has traveled through? Why not retain a Kannada twang native to her part of the world? Is it that every week spent in one continent has rubbed off on certain parts of her much limited and affected vocabulary, that it tends to never undo itself….making her look like a mixture of cultures the minute she opens her mouth?
Ah the travails of a star…one who has not an ounce of acting in her mangled anatomy….but has oodles of attitude to make up for all her misgivings….
Someone should tell that woman that merely flitting in and out of other worldly productions will not in any way prove her capabilities as an actor. Instead she is merely trumpeting to the entire world how dispensable she is in a world of talent. One cannot spend hours staring at her plastic countenance when someone beside her is enacting a well scripted role even as she uses her multi-accented tongue to make innumerous grunts and pouts.
The “Mistress of Spices” is stirring violent spasms of dislike in me. Someone switch off that TV!
So why does she alternate between every continent she has traveled through? Why not retain a Kannada twang native to her part of the world? Is it that every week spent in one continent has rubbed off on certain parts of her much limited and affected vocabulary, that it tends to never undo itself….making her look like a mixture of cultures the minute she opens her mouth?
Ah the travails of a star…one who has not an ounce of acting in her mangled anatomy….but has oodles of attitude to make up for all her misgivings….
Someone should tell that woman that merely flitting in and out of other worldly productions will not in any way prove her capabilities as an actor. Instead she is merely trumpeting to the entire world how dispensable she is in a world of talent. One cannot spend hours staring at her plastic countenance when someone beside her is enacting a well scripted role even as she uses her multi-accented tongue to make innumerous grunts and pouts.
The “Mistress of Spices” is stirring violent spasms of dislike in me. Someone switch off that TV!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
You Lied to Me!
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” Friedrich Nietzsche
Despite repeated reminders in that one split second he had changed our entire lives. He said a "white lie" to save face and avoid confrontation. Was it worth all the pain and the accusations that followed. All the trauma and the nonsense. The depletion in trust and in unshakeable belief? The living hell that both have to endure till memory fades and time selectively relegates this aberration into the back chamber? Was it really worth anything?
Despite repeated reminders in that one split second he had changed our entire lives. He said a "white lie" to save face and avoid confrontation. Was it worth all the pain and the accusations that followed. All the trauma and the nonsense. The depletion in trust and in unshakeable belief? The living hell that both have to endure till memory fades and time selectively relegates this aberration into the back chamber? Was it really worth anything?
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