Well finally the jinx is broken…and I am off…to other wonderful shores to soak in the sights, smells, colours, people, places, food and what not!
I am headed to a place, where they claim food is a national pastime and one that has more than 1000 malls…Singapore…
Just FYI: The name Singapura is derived from the Malay words singa (lion) and pura (city), which in turn is from the Sanskrit words simha and pura. According to the Malay Annals, this name was given by a 14th century Sumatran Malay prince named Sang Nila Utama, who, on alighting the island after a thunderstorm, renamed it Singapura after spotting an auspicious beast identified as a lion.
Anyhow I don’t have too much time since I am more worried about the nitty gritties of getting into an unknown land and making do with strangers for company…for now this is all…
Friday, June 15, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
What is marriage?
A marriage...makes of two fractional
lives a whole;
it gives to two purposeless lives
a work, and doubles the strength
of each to perform it;
it gives to two
questioning natures a reason for living,
and something to live for;
it will give a new gladness
to the sunshine,
a new fragrance to the flowers,
a new beauty to the earth,
and a new mystery to life.
-- Mark Twain
lives a whole;
it gives to two purposeless lives
a work, and doubles the strength
of each to perform it;
it gives to two
questioning natures a reason for living,
and something to live for;
it will give a new gladness
to the sunshine,
a new fragrance to the flowers,
a new beauty to the earth,
and a new mystery to life.
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Bugger off Ass Holes..........
They want me to do them a favour…
So many previous occasions…when they have never bothered to be nice or even respond…
Why should I be nice?
Am I under any obligation to be nice?
I am simply not interested you fool?
Why the hell won’t that enter your brain or your sensibility?
In every possible decent way I have tried again and again to explain to you that come what may I am simply not interested.
So bugger off.
Don’t bother me so.
What you sow, so shall you reap!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Didn’t know revenge could taste so sweet.
To hell with you and many more of those uppity arse holes, who think they are oh so above everybody!
So many previous occasions…when they have never bothered to be nice or even respond…
Why should I be nice?
Am I under any obligation to be nice?
I am simply not interested you fool?
Why the hell won’t that enter your brain or your sensibility?
In every possible decent way I have tried again and again to explain to you that come what may I am simply not interested.
So bugger off.
Don’t bother me so.
What you sow, so shall you reap!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Didn’t know revenge could taste so sweet.
To hell with you and many more of those uppity arse holes, who think they are oh so above everybody!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Hail Me????!!!
Its funny how at times you can sit across the table from you and watch in absolute stillness as life unfolds. Those moments of absolute incoherence or rationality…I detest with absoluteness. It makes me wonder at me, my madness, my reasons for survival….
I have wondered umpteen times if this was really the way things had to shape up…if I had given in to those demented pangs would the world have been a better place minus one mental wreck?
But then again the drama that unfolds in my wake has been nonetheless interesting….and now as I once again decide to sit and watch this little plump soul type into the night as if her life depended upon it, I can but smile…
The journey has been frightening, amusing, debilitating and what not…but now I realize I wouldn’t trade places for anything in the world…
Hail my madness…hail my life….
Hail me!
I have wondered umpteen times if this was really the way things had to shape up…if I had given in to those demented pangs would the world have been a better place minus one mental wreck?
But then again the drama that unfolds in my wake has been nonetheless interesting….and now as I once again decide to sit and watch this little plump soul type into the night as if her life depended upon it, I can but smile…
The journey has been frightening, amusing, debilitating and what not…but now I realize I wouldn’t trade places for anything in the world…
Hail my madness…hail my life….
Hail me!
Elizabeth Barrett Browning- Sonnet XLIII
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breath;
Smiles, tears, of all my life!
- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Absurdity that's life
This life so worn out,
a mirage
not of consequence
to end up as ashes.
Why an over concerted effort?
These unwanted concerns
of human existence
a trivial pastime
to merely satiate a stranger's curiosity.
Why take on the excess burden?
One that could be avoided.
Yet these nonsensical forays
that rule our senses
add meaning to the very absurdity
called life...
So I wrote way back in 2001....
Why rehash now? It just seemed so apt at the moment...
Friday, May 25, 2007
From my yellowed Delhi walls…
There are many reasons I took to writing. The first trigger was when my grandfather tore apart a poem I wrote when I was hardly 11, rewrote it and told me this was how it was done. Second was reading the God Of Small Things. Third was the fluidity with which I could write and amaze my teachers during my English exams and topping my school in my ISC English paper. The list is endless.
But apart from those many personal reasons, there is one human being who inspired me to write. My erstwhile roommate during my Delhi years. She used to keep a diary and I used to sneak a peek while she was in the shower. There was this one piece that she wrote on a piece of paper and put it up on our hostel room wall. When I left after my stipulated two years, the only thing I asked of her was this frayed yellow piece on our wall. She guffawed then told me sometime after our grandchildren were born we would laugh over this stupidity. I have it till date. Today I thought of writing it down and preserving it for life. She is asleep in the US and has told me now that one of those mentioned is dead and gone she doesn’t mind me putting it on my blog. So here read on….
“The day is painfully slow and I am at a loss for words to describe the tumult inside me. I am confused, angry, hurt, defeated and a lot of other crap. One of them can be eliminated if I get into a solid argument with this bitch who is technically family.
She, for one has taken after certain members of the family (my paternal grandparents…hence their obsession with her I assume) so perfectly, it’s eerie. She screwed one man after having two of his children and is now trying desperately hard to play havoc with the brains of another. The family has time and again banished her for being the root cause of shame, but she relentlessly tries hard to get her foot in. Surprisingly, rather sadly, she has been successful in finding some members who sympathize with her cause and make it even more difficult to cut her off like a gangrene-infected finger.
The men in her life adore her no end, but then the infamous bitches and witches from every era have had their share of male supporters and lovers, so this is no case in isolation.
Coming to the point, I don’t understand the primary motive behind her existence. She wants fame, (she is more infamous than the woman who was deported for being entangled in a sex scandal), she wants adoration (she has enough men according to me and everyone part of even my extended family, eating out of her fingers and her toes!!!!) and she wants money (for which she screwed one husband, killed a father, shamed a mother and her sisters and another man). So what is it that can satiate her? She is by every standard possible, an actress par excellence…in fact if only someone could get the Deepa Mehtas of the world to ping her she would run with her bosom thrust out…. and frankly many a time I have wondered if someone should not simply set up an acting school and ask her to turn dean!
The lady evokes such violence, hatred, anger, disgust in me it isn’t funny. I have time and again wanted to tell her off in a public forum but many a time family has tied me down. In fact I think for now she is content with milking my dad, who according to her is the biggest supporter and sentimental fool she has been able to bag. The woman will run to him if her ass doesn’t open wide enough to let her feces pass! That’s how wonderfully dependent she is on him. My father…. the poor, innocent, foolish milch cow and uncle par excellence!
I have been resisting the temptation to call her and give vent to a lot of emotions I have been storing safely in some tucked away corner to shower upon her when the moment arrives. I have often wondered if my love for a few has superseded my judgment so that I have strayed from justice at so many emotionally swayed moments? The answer is a big terrifying yes. I have put aside feelings of immense strength to prevent my loved ones from being in the line of fire. Have I then actually saved them from the clutches of harm, or have I pushed them further down the tube? I am at a loss.
In this case, I am more than convinced justice has to happen, and it has to be ME who makes the move. I don’t expect my blind dad to do shit about anything except get after my mother for not liking the poor orphan. He wouldn’t listen. So then who will tell the whore what her faults are and where she should stop. I have to intervene before it becomes irreversible. I have to do something now. Right NOW!
Its ludicrous that I vent my venom is such uninhibited fashion at this moment…. when in all the 27 years I spent at home I never dared to utter a word…. now sitting in a distant city…. all by myself…trying to string words together…. I seem to have found many past instances that I want to articulate and eliminate from my system…each time I switch on the yellow light, I see these frayed pieces of paper adorning my wall with pieces of my history laughing back at me…if only I had set aside my silence and spoken forth…. would we have been a happier family on some counts? I wonder…and will continue to do so for the remainder of my living years….
Dated July 23, 1998
SR”
But apart from those many personal reasons, there is one human being who inspired me to write. My erstwhile roommate during my Delhi years. She used to keep a diary and I used to sneak a peek while she was in the shower. There was this one piece that she wrote on a piece of paper and put it up on our hostel room wall. When I left after my stipulated two years, the only thing I asked of her was this frayed yellow piece on our wall. She guffawed then told me sometime after our grandchildren were born we would laugh over this stupidity. I have it till date. Today I thought of writing it down and preserving it for life. She is asleep in the US and has told me now that one of those mentioned is dead and gone she doesn’t mind me putting it on my blog. So here read on….
“The day is painfully slow and I am at a loss for words to describe the tumult inside me. I am confused, angry, hurt, defeated and a lot of other crap. One of them can be eliminated if I get into a solid argument with this bitch who is technically family.
She, for one has taken after certain members of the family (my paternal grandparents…hence their obsession with her I assume) so perfectly, it’s eerie. She screwed one man after having two of his children and is now trying desperately hard to play havoc with the brains of another. The family has time and again banished her for being the root cause of shame, but she relentlessly tries hard to get her foot in. Surprisingly, rather sadly, she has been successful in finding some members who sympathize with her cause and make it even more difficult to cut her off like a gangrene-infected finger.
The men in her life adore her no end, but then the infamous bitches and witches from every era have had their share of male supporters and lovers, so this is no case in isolation.
Coming to the point, I don’t understand the primary motive behind her existence. She wants fame, (she is more infamous than the woman who was deported for being entangled in a sex scandal), she wants adoration (she has enough men according to me and everyone part of even my extended family, eating out of her fingers and her toes!!!!) and she wants money (for which she screwed one husband, killed a father, shamed a mother and her sisters and another man). So what is it that can satiate her? She is by every standard possible, an actress par excellence…in fact if only someone could get the Deepa Mehtas of the world to ping her she would run with her bosom thrust out…. and frankly many a time I have wondered if someone should not simply set up an acting school and ask her to turn dean!
The lady evokes such violence, hatred, anger, disgust in me it isn’t funny. I have time and again wanted to tell her off in a public forum but many a time family has tied me down. In fact I think for now she is content with milking my dad, who according to her is the biggest supporter and sentimental fool she has been able to bag. The woman will run to him if her ass doesn’t open wide enough to let her feces pass! That’s how wonderfully dependent she is on him. My father…. the poor, innocent, foolish milch cow and uncle par excellence!
I have been resisting the temptation to call her and give vent to a lot of emotions I have been storing safely in some tucked away corner to shower upon her when the moment arrives. I have often wondered if my love for a few has superseded my judgment so that I have strayed from justice at so many emotionally swayed moments? The answer is a big terrifying yes. I have put aside feelings of immense strength to prevent my loved ones from being in the line of fire. Have I then actually saved them from the clutches of harm, or have I pushed them further down the tube? I am at a loss.
In this case, I am more than convinced justice has to happen, and it has to be ME who makes the move. I don’t expect my blind dad to do shit about anything except get after my mother for not liking the poor orphan. He wouldn’t listen. So then who will tell the whore what her faults are and where she should stop. I have to intervene before it becomes irreversible. I have to do something now. Right NOW!
Its ludicrous that I vent my venom is such uninhibited fashion at this moment…. when in all the 27 years I spent at home I never dared to utter a word…. now sitting in a distant city…. all by myself…trying to string words together…. I seem to have found many past instances that I want to articulate and eliminate from my system…each time I switch on the yellow light, I see these frayed pieces of paper adorning my wall with pieces of my history laughing back at me…if only I had set aside my silence and spoken forth…. would we have been a happier family on some counts? I wonder…and will continue to do so for the remainder of my living years….
Dated July 23, 1998
SR”
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Forceful Intentions
“The want of logic annoys. Too much logic bores. Life eludes logic, and everything that logic alone constructs remains artificial and forced.” Andre Gide
She tried yet again…I don’t know if she understands that certain things are given in certain lifetimes for reasons best known to those involved. And to try and change that makes no sense whatsoever…under any pretext or good intention….
It only leaves everyone a tad more tired and angrier than they were before it all began.
And to what end….
People make decisions after enough rambling and thought…and to try and infuse a certain rationality into someone else’s way of functioning or living simply because you are part of their lives does not make sense. We are all individuals here, who like to lead our own lives in a manner fathomed by us alone. And to try and bend that to suit another’s sense of fairness and rationality is absolutely absurd and uncalled for and not appreciated in any fashion.
All I am is angry and upset.
I wish she would understand.
She tried yet again…I don’t know if she understands that certain things are given in certain lifetimes for reasons best known to those involved. And to try and change that makes no sense whatsoever…under any pretext or good intention….
It only leaves everyone a tad more tired and angrier than they were before it all began.
And to what end….
People make decisions after enough rambling and thought…and to try and infuse a certain rationality into someone else’s way of functioning or living simply because you are part of their lives does not make sense. We are all individuals here, who like to lead our own lives in a manner fathomed by us alone. And to try and bend that to suit another’s sense of fairness and rationality is absolutely absurd and uncalled for and not appreciated in any fashion.
All I am is angry and upset.
I wish she would understand.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Heated thoughts....
The office is reeking of sweaty scents…. they are cutting costs and saving on electricity by not using the AC in SUMMER! The night and its people are blissfully unaware of these drudgeries that we overcome as we churn out intelligent sounding copies about all that’s even remotely news-ish (if there is such a term…. newsworthy and all that’s making news has been done to death anyhow!) to fill up all the glaring white holes on the paper!
Everyone seems so absorbed in their little worlds amplified those glowing computer screens…everyone believes he is making a contribution to the world in general by merely adding a syllable here or there, correcting the punctuation in a sentence, making a paragraph read better.
Does the world really care? When they are being bombarded with non-stop news as it is called by a medley of channels, which all sound the same and in essence look the same?
Does actually clutching on to a piece of black and white make one feel much more important and credible than those who have had their say 24 hours earlier? Do we delude ourselves that we “add value” a day later by looking into the intricacies of the whole episode and saying it as it is in a more leisurely and long drawn fashion?
Why am I ridiculing the profession that is putting bread on my table, letting me indulge in crazy shopping sprees, make innumerous phone calls to my mother, and message my hubby all through the day?
I should be grateful. I guess it’s the heat that is making me fuzzy up there…
Hmm maybe I need some hot coffee to add to the confusion!
Everyone seems so absorbed in their little worlds amplified those glowing computer screens…everyone believes he is making a contribution to the world in general by merely adding a syllable here or there, correcting the punctuation in a sentence, making a paragraph read better.
Does the world really care? When they are being bombarded with non-stop news as it is called by a medley of channels, which all sound the same and in essence look the same?
Does actually clutching on to a piece of black and white make one feel much more important and credible than those who have had their say 24 hours earlier? Do we delude ourselves that we “add value” a day later by looking into the intricacies of the whole episode and saying it as it is in a more leisurely and long drawn fashion?
Why am I ridiculing the profession that is putting bread on my table, letting me indulge in crazy shopping sprees, make innumerous phone calls to my mother, and message my hubby all through the day?
I should be grateful. I guess it’s the heat that is making me fuzzy up there…
Hmm maybe I need some hot coffee to add to the confusion!
Al Pacino's Inch By Inch speech from Any Given Sunday
"......You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That's, that's part of life.
But,
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football......"
Cliched did you say? Did I hear lack of things to write...?
Many a time this has been sent to me in the form of a forward. (yet again today and hence this post....)
I saw this on a cold winter night in Delhi at the Russian Cultural Centre while I was still studying in JNU.
And the memories I have of this movie are many….
1. Me and my then boyfriend were great fans of Oliver Stone. So we pulled a friend along in the hope of igniting in him some love for good cinema. He watched while munching on something right next to my ear and at the end of it all...he looked at us and all he had to say was..."What was that movie all about? I didn't understand a word of it!"
2. We wanted to get back to our respective hostels. We were on a deserted street looking for an auto and none seemed interested in us and the dark was making me jittery...and to add to my woes the fog was closing in.
3. There was this bunch of girls who had been sitting across us watching the movie. There was one PYT amongst them and for some reason our "friend" decided that the first auto should be relinquished in their favour since they were "girls and pretty too!"
We finally boarded one close to 90 minutes after we had trooped out of the viewing hall.....
I detest one of those two men at this stage in my life....the other sends me perfunctory hello notes in between....
Anyhow if you want to read it all over again.........
http://essaysfromexodus.scripting.com/stories/storyReader$1492
things get taken from you.
That's, that's part of life.
But,
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football......"
Cliched did you say? Did I hear lack of things to write...?
Many a time this has been sent to me in the form of a forward. (yet again today and hence this post....)
I saw this on a cold winter night in Delhi at the Russian Cultural Centre while I was still studying in JNU.
And the memories I have of this movie are many….
1. Me and my then boyfriend were great fans of Oliver Stone. So we pulled a friend along in the hope of igniting in him some love for good cinema. He watched while munching on something right next to my ear and at the end of it all...he looked at us and all he had to say was..."What was that movie all about? I didn't understand a word of it!"
2. We wanted to get back to our respective hostels. We were on a deserted street looking for an auto and none seemed interested in us and the dark was making me jittery...and to add to my woes the fog was closing in.
3. There was this bunch of girls who had been sitting across us watching the movie. There was one PYT amongst them and for some reason our "friend" decided that the first auto should be relinquished in their favour since they were "girls and pretty too!"
We finally boarded one close to 90 minutes after we had trooped out of the viewing hall.....
I detest one of those two men at this stage in my life....the other sends me perfunctory hello notes in between....
Anyhow if you want to read it all over again.........
http://essaysfromexodus.scripting.com/stories/storyReader$1492
Friday, May 11, 2007
Can I still string them together?
Short-lived bubbles skim the surface
Spluttering
Whistling
A passing kiss of the air
And Kaput….
I am gone….
Spluttering
Whistling
A passing kiss of the air
And Kaput….
I am gone….
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Cowardice he says...
I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer.
Virginia to her husband Leonard Woolf before killing herself…
When I mailed this across to my hubby, he said only cowards opt for death instead of standing up and facing the music…. and why choose the easier and stupider path when you have navigated most of the curves already and know what is in store?
Do I agree? There are a million moments when I want to but be a coward!
Virginia to her husband Leonard Woolf before killing herself…
When I mailed this across to my hubby, he said only cowards opt for death instead of standing up and facing the music…. and why choose the easier and stupider path when you have navigated most of the curves already and know what is in store?
Do I agree? There are a million moments when I want to but be a coward!
Friday, April 27, 2007
.......Stumped
The traffic is crawling in contrast to the peppy rhythm of that Bollywood tune blasting out of the radio. The car seems slower than a snail and the air is heavy with tinges of gasoline and vapour.
I am bemused at the honkers and the little kids trying to sell their wares amidst this cacophony. I have been intently staring out of the window…deliberately avoiding conversation. I feel angry…terribly angry and maybe even let down.
The master of the house has decided…he has to attend that silly charade to please the higher ups and ensure nothing goes wrong with his stellar career…. while feasting on visuals of skimpily clad bimbos from his office and their offshoots across India. The agenda of this do…nothing but partying and so-called training (for what and in what I don’t want to speculate…but there it is managing to make everything seem so official and desirable)
Reason asks me if I shouldn’t merely let go…considering nothing in this world can be saved my mere paranoia or fear or concentrated thinking by one. I have my fears…my insecurities…and I have absolutely justifiable and valid reasons for all of them…. unfortunately everyone seems to think its silly to impose my quirks on someone else and suffocate them too….
How else does one find redemption…do you allow yourself to be continually sucked into the vortex of fear, abandonment, jealousy, insecurity and a lot of other meshed up shit? Or do you find someone who understands and hankers along without triggering another panic attack? Or do you bury them so deep they can’t surface at all? Or do you put on an act every so often sometimes you forget what reality is?
The world warned me against straying into such a situation…. they pleaded continuously asking me to stay single in order to deal with my demons and allow myself justice and sanity. As always I didn’t comprehend then…and I disobeyed. Now I am beginning to pay the price.
When everything above your chin is completely screwed up and enmeshed in crap…the best option is to isolate yourself and deal with the nonsense one by one. Or even assuming you cant deal with them…the solitude will offer suggestions and solutions…. when in a pairing…. the vapour thickens…clarity eludes…you subvert the issues to ensure peace and longevity…but where does that leave you?
I am bemused at the honkers and the little kids trying to sell their wares amidst this cacophony. I have been intently staring out of the window…deliberately avoiding conversation. I feel angry…terribly angry and maybe even let down.
The master of the house has decided…he has to attend that silly charade to please the higher ups and ensure nothing goes wrong with his stellar career…. while feasting on visuals of skimpily clad bimbos from his office and their offshoots across India. The agenda of this do…nothing but partying and so-called training (for what and in what I don’t want to speculate…but there it is managing to make everything seem so official and desirable)
Reason asks me if I shouldn’t merely let go…considering nothing in this world can be saved my mere paranoia or fear or concentrated thinking by one. I have my fears…my insecurities…and I have absolutely justifiable and valid reasons for all of them…. unfortunately everyone seems to think its silly to impose my quirks on someone else and suffocate them too….
How else does one find redemption…do you allow yourself to be continually sucked into the vortex of fear, abandonment, jealousy, insecurity and a lot of other meshed up shit? Or do you find someone who understands and hankers along without triggering another panic attack? Or do you bury them so deep they can’t surface at all? Or do you put on an act every so often sometimes you forget what reality is?
The world warned me against straying into such a situation…. they pleaded continuously asking me to stay single in order to deal with my demons and allow myself justice and sanity. As always I didn’t comprehend then…and I disobeyed. Now I am beginning to pay the price.
When everything above your chin is completely screwed up and enmeshed in crap…the best option is to isolate yourself and deal with the nonsense one by one. Or even assuming you cant deal with them…the solitude will offer suggestions and solutions…. when in a pairing…. the vapour thickens…clarity eludes…you subvert the issues to ensure peace and longevity…but where does that leave you?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
To Borrow Celine Dion's words...
I always loved this song more than the Titanic track for the sheer beauty of the lyrics. This one's for you Bali....
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
Ill be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
Ill be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I know we'll pass the test of time.
I’m straddling moments of lucidity and near deafness. The pain is irritatingly numbing. I have always chided myself for getting into these spots with my eyes wide open and yet once again I am exactly there.
I have descended from the mountains…where we sat watching the stars, sipping on rum and freezing beneath our woolens. Amidst the hillocks of Mussoorie we regained moments of innocent love we had relinquished in favour of maddeningly silly and materialistic corporate lives.
The silence was absolutely rejuvenating. The smiles, the cuddles, the sleeping ins, the panting sighs and grumbles as we navigated one slope after another, the gulps of water and the gasps for air, the silly laughter, the benumbing TV shows to kill the time in between when conversation had left our tongues dry, the Tibetan flat noodles, the nicely flavoured chilly momos, the sprinkly and warming alcohol, the hot air emitting heater by our feet, the small shawl beneath which both of us tried hard to hide, the yellow blossoms on our balcony, the naughty apes playing on the other side of the window panes, the green valley spread beneath our legs, the chilly air that made us cling close not allowing even a hair’s breadth between us, and so much much more…
The trip away from humanity and everybody was a welcome break. We renewed our beliefs, our love, our promises, our tears, our passion and lots more.
One year under our belt…we promised to forge ahead come what may. And vowed never to let go even if the going got so tough we couldn’t bear it anymore.
I wanted to print this on something and hand it over to him…. but I bought a cosmetic card from Archie’s.
Here is what I wanted to tell you…. corny though it may seem….
“I didn't think that I could love you more than I did a year ago.But little did I know that in sharing my hopes and dreams with you, my love for you would grow.Bali, I'm so thankful for your love and all the joy it brings.For better or worse, through thick and thin, you've been there by my side, sharing the laughter and the tears, through life's uncertain ride.
You are so much a part of me; I know we'll pass the test of time.Hand-in-hand I'll walk through life with you for your hand was made to fit perfectly in mine.”
I have descended from the mountains…where we sat watching the stars, sipping on rum and freezing beneath our woolens. Amidst the hillocks of Mussoorie we regained moments of innocent love we had relinquished in favour of maddeningly silly and materialistic corporate lives.
The silence was absolutely rejuvenating. The smiles, the cuddles, the sleeping ins, the panting sighs and grumbles as we navigated one slope after another, the gulps of water and the gasps for air, the silly laughter, the benumbing TV shows to kill the time in between when conversation had left our tongues dry, the Tibetan flat noodles, the nicely flavoured chilly momos, the sprinkly and warming alcohol, the hot air emitting heater by our feet, the small shawl beneath which both of us tried hard to hide, the yellow blossoms on our balcony, the naughty apes playing on the other side of the window panes, the green valley spread beneath our legs, the chilly air that made us cling close not allowing even a hair’s breadth between us, and so much much more…
The trip away from humanity and everybody was a welcome break. We renewed our beliefs, our love, our promises, our tears, our passion and lots more.
One year under our belt…we promised to forge ahead come what may. And vowed never to let go even if the going got so tough we couldn’t bear it anymore.
I wanted to print this on something and hand it over to him…. but I bought a cosmetic card from Archie’s.
Here is what I wanted to tell you…. corny though it may seem….
“I didn't think that I could love you more than I did a year ago.But little did I know that in sharing my hopes and dreams with you, my love for you would grow.Bali, I'm so thankful for your love and all the joy it brings.For better or worse, through thick and thin, you've been there by my side, sharing the laughter and the tears, through life's uncertain ride.
You are so much a part of me; I know we'll pass the test of time.Hand-in-hand I'll walk through life with you for your hand was made to fit perfectly in mine.”
Monday, April 16, 2007
Taking stock
There is a sense of loss filling me up…even as the smiles cling to my skin I wonder where this phase is headed.
I know deep within that this might make or break the next leg of my professional career and even as I navigate potholes with the dexterity of an F1 driver, something in me cries out at this injustice.
All the moves can be dated back to the fights I had…the numerous arguments fighting for my worth and for justice…for promises made to me that were forgotten…for mistakes I didn’t commit and was forced to take the blame for…against egos that could not take the anger and resilience in a voice that refused to shut off….
Those have blotted my career like none else…Everytime I was passed over for a more mediocre yet more accomplished “sucker” I watched from the sidelines…holding on to shards of confidence that warned of slipping away.
I never learnt the art of tact, diplomacy or mere networking or hob-nobbing with the powers that be. I have always believed (still do) that my work alone should speak for itself…and hence the many coffees and dinners I turned down and the many smiles I refused to flash earned me nothing but wrath and anger.
The people of the world were never my concern and hence I could not sympathize or empathize with those that deserved not a second’s attention.
And it has left me way behind in the race for recognition. And each time a face from my times, stares back at me from the TV screen or otherwise, while furiously climbing the ladders of success something in me dies. The belief that maybe mere mediocrity, and sometimes even things way beneath that coupled with sheer people skills could take a person to the echelon of success has made dents in my brain and many other places.
The anger and hatred I feel at these silly fools is so immense I refuse to take stock for fear of it consuming me. But then again I cannot but turn a blind eye to those who stare back while I fight for what is rightfully mine. Maybe I should have been amoral, dishonest, a pseudo who could sweet-talk the pants off anyone. Alas that one eludes me like the plague.
I sure don’t deserve this. The result of working hard, giving away my better years, my life in a sense…of being scrupulous and simply honest.
And today taking stock just prior to entering my 28th year, I wonder if I weren’t equipped at all for all the better things in life and for the success I thought was due me!
I know deep within that this might make or break the next leg of my professional career and even as I navigate potholes with the dexterity of an F1 driver, something in me cries out at this injustice.
All the moves can be dated back to the fights I had…the numerous arguments fighting for my worth and for justice…for promises made to me that were forgotten…for mistakes I didn’t commit and was forced to take the blame for…against egos that could not take the anger and resilience in a voice that refused to shut off….
Those have blotted my career like none else…Everytime I was passed over for a more mediocre yet more accomplished “sucker” I watched from the sidelines…holding on to shards of confidence that warned of slipping away.
I never learnt the art of tact, diplomacy or mere networking or hob-nobbing with the powers that be. I have always believed (still do) that my work alone should speak for itself…and hence the many coffees and dinners I turned down and the many smiles I refused to flash earned me nothing but wrath and anger.
The people of the world were never my concern and hence I could not sympathize or empathize with those that deserved not a second’s attention.
And it has left me way behind in the race for recognition. And each time a face from my times, stares back at me from the TV screen or otherwise, while furiously climbing the ladders of success something in me dies. The belief that maybe mere mediocrity, and sometimes even things way beneath that coupled with sheer people skills could take a person to the echelon of success has made dents in my brain and many other places.
The anger and hatred I feel at these silly fools is so immense I refuse to take stock for fear of it consuming me. But then again I cannot but turn a blind eye to those who stare back while I fight for what is rightfully mine. Maybe I should have been amoral, dishonest, a pseudo who could sweet-talk the pants off anyone. Alas that one eludes me like the plague.
I sure don’t deserve this. The result of working hard, giving away my better years, my life in a sense…of being scrupulous and simply honest.
And today taking stock just prior to entering my 28th year, I wonder if I weren’t equipped at all for all the better things in life and for the success I thought was due me!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
For a mad GOODU!
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." Anais Nin
She is crazy…a supposedly mature teenager in the garb of a middle aged woman. Shaking her snaky hair free, she giggles and talks like a mad hatter and bursts into insane laughter at the innocuous language she has invented!
She was “suggested” to me by someone close. And she turned out to be the best thing that has happened to me in a long time to come and that too of the same gender!
The weird thing is the many experiences in isolation that we share…and the fact that despite the gaping years we have managed to find so many levels of similarity. The many quirks we share too make me laugh. Who would have thought in this creepy land of computers and wannabes there would be one soul who still loved old books, the smell of bread and the scary greens she gorges on like a cow.
My husband wonders at this new found proximity and togetherness. He had been amused at the fact that I kept only males for company. This is a pleasant surprise alright but he wonders at the constant need and actual comfort we derive from each other.
Our world is one of inanities, stupid jokes, shared pain, misunderstood anguish, unchanneled anger and worry, deep seated fear of losing control, of being swarmed by these stupidities enough to want to bail out, of silly chatter, or sniggering comments about unknown and known souls, of steaming cuppas, crunchy beetroot filled cutlets, so many childish pleasures, chocolates, saris, tantrums, jealousy, and what not….
Her glasses perched on her nose, her stiff saris, her matching accessories, her aching hands, her sparkling diamonds, her little bindi, her aching belly (courtesy crunches to lose the flab), and her vulgar white-capped phone. She makes me smile, comes running every time I need her and listens when I tell her silly pains that make me want to run away. She feeds me, worries and obsesses about me (or so I presume), and eggs me on Every time I am down!
I so adore this mad lady…. I am really grateful for that one phone call from Delhi that directed her in to my world!
Dr Shrinkari, I am not letting you go come what may!
She is crazy…a supposedly mature teenager in the garb of a middle aged woman. Shaking her snaky hair free, she giggles and talks like a mad hatter and bursts into insane laughter at the innocuous language she has invented!
She was “suggested” to me by someone close. And she turned out to be the best thing that has happened to me in a long time to come and that too of the same gender!
The weird thing is the many experiences in isolation that we share…and the fact that despite the gaping years we have managed to find so many levels of similarity. The many quirks we share too make me laugh. Who would have thought in this creepy land of computers and wannabes there would be one soul who still loved old books, the smell of bread and the scary greens she gorges on like a cow.
My husband wonders at this new found proximity and togetherness. He had been amused at the fact that I kept only males for company. This is a pleasant surprise alright but he wonders at the constant need and actual comfort we derive from each other.
Our world is one of inanities, stupid jokes, shared pain, misunderstood anguish, unchanneled anger and worry, deep seated fear of losing control, of being swarmed by these stupidities enough to want to bail out, of silly chatter, or sniggering comments about unknown and known souls, of steaming cuppas, crunchy beetroot filled cutlets, so many childish pleasures, chocolates, saris, tantrums, jealousy, and what not….
Her glasses perched on her nose, her stiff saris, her matching accessories, her aching hands, her sparkling diamonds, her little bindi, her aching belly (courtesy crunches to lose the flab), and her vulgar white-capped phone. She makes me smile, comes running every time I need her and listens when I tell her silly pains that make me want to run away. She feeds me, worries and obsesses about me (or so I presume), and eggs me on Every time I am down!
I so adore this mad lady…. I am really grateful for that one phone call from Delhi that directed her in to my world!
Dr Shrinkari, I am not letting you go come what may!
Friday, April 06, 2007
Reliving the Past!
I keep hearing that noise from deep within…I am yet to ascertain what it could mean or be. I am confused. I know there are those you want to stay on with you for life, despite all your efforts to push them into the farthest recess in your being…but would that be one of them calling out to me?
And then there is this soul I have been calling out to in every language I could conceive. But it evades me like the plague. Glorified payback I believe. Not unwarranted either. But penance seems no good an answer.
That one dissenting voice I would give the world to hear cackle in my ear…. the wisps of breath that punctuate that conversation so lost in the clouds…the little pats that I imagine every time he laughs at my achievements…the sweet nothings that I wish would dot the night instead of mere shiny stars…
Flashes from the past…barely enough to kill a lifetime. Infernal longing to rewrite the equation…to relive the past…to undo the horrendous impetuous mistakes and regain the laughter.
And then there is this soul I have been calling out to in every language I could conceive. But it evades me like the plague. Glorified payback I believe. Not unwarranted either. But penance seems no good an answer.
That one dissenting voice I would give the world to hear cackle in my ear…. the wisps of breath that punctuate that conversation so lost in the clouds…the little pats that I imagine every time he laughs at my achievements…the sweet nothings that I wish would dot the night instead of mere shiny stars…
Flashes from the past…barely enough to kill a lifetime. Infernal longing to rewrite the equation…to relive the past…to undo the horrendous impetuous mistakes and regain the laughter.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Of Arts & Farts!
He kept fingering his well rolled and set curls…it was pissing me off. This arty farty old man…with his rudraksha beads and bulging waist with even bigger pockets and a bag large enough to hold him within, supposedly to scare off the less intellectual kinds…. his unkempt beard was another turn off…I was maintaining a stoic silence so as not to upset the delicate balance between them. She had forced me into this…and now she sat trying to make polite conversation with this man I wanted to tell off…trying so hard to hold on to his smoke even as he fidgeted with the empty pack looking around for a lighter in all those deep pockets of assumed wisdom and literature.
He liked to keep his cards close to his chest for fear his literary knowledge might fly away with a stray one…like his tousled locks and his brain was playing havoc with his visuals. He was looking for scarlet-o-hara amongst his umpteen messages saved to again strengthen the façade he had built around him. The point being, what use are these pitiable graspers of literature? I mean, no harm in having a well read and intelligent soul around you? Why does it necessitate a particular physical feel to be intelligent or even artistic? Why is it that the world assumes a normal person cannot get into the skin of a character while reading or creating it simply for the lack of disheveled locks, an untidy room and smelly feet?
These archaic myths have turned into a mockery the decent soul’s yearning for genuine knowledge. For one, if only people would refrain from imposing a certain eccentricity on someone who loves word play, we might be closer to actually enjoying the nuances of the language, which is not necessarily exclusive to “those quite not there”. The worst part they are the most hurt souls this side of the Atlantic if one were to freely offer them a reality check…then you shall fry in the fires of hell for having questioned the credentials of so simple and pure a literary soul!
I hate such pretentious buggers who assume an aura of intelligence merely courtesy their appearance. I hate hypocrites and those who plead to be categorized different. If you are more than just your clothes, your stench and your unkempt look should play testimony. Rest should be up there hidden from public view…for you and the creator alone to enjoy and muddle over.
Keep him away from me for the next time my tongue shall not obey my bodily commands. And he wont like spittle on his well curved locks…
Tch tch.
He liked to keep his cards close to his chest for fear his literary knowledge might fly away with a stray one…like his tousled locks and his brain was playing havoc with his visuals. He was looking for scarlet-o-hara amongst his umpteen messages saved to again strengthen the façade he had built around him. The point being, what use are these pitiable graspers of literature? I mean, no harm in having a well read and intelligent soul around you? Why does it necessitate a particular physical feel to be intelligent or even artistic? Why is it that the world assumes a normal person cannot get into the skin of a character while reading or creating it simply for the lack of disheveled locks, an untidy room and smelly feet?
These archaic myths have turned into a mockery the decent soul’s yearning for genuine knowledge. For one, if only people would refrain from imposing a certain eccentricity on someone who loves word play, we might be closer to actually enjoying the nuances of the language, which is not necessarily exclusive to “those quite not there”. The worst part they are the most hurt souls this side of the Atlantic if one were to freely offer them a reality check…then you shall fry in the fires of hell for having questioned the credentials of so simple and pure a literary soul!
I hate such pretentious buggers who assume an aura of intelligence merely courtesy their appearance. I hate hypocrites and those who plead to be categorized different. If you are more than just your clothes, your stench and your unkempt look should play testimony. Rest should be up there hidden from public view…for you and the creator alone to enjoy and muddle over.
Keep him away from me for the next time my tongue shall not obey my bodily commands. And he wont like spittle on his well curved locks…
Tch tch.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Cranky Dilemma
The silence is reverberating. There have been random moments when I have been forced to wonder if this is not punishment for my own stubbornness? After all I chose the least trodden path, decided to brave it out with fewer friends than fingers on a hand. And to look back and complain will not help solve the problem.
For some years now, I have been languishing with the bare minimum of friends. Not that the need for multiples was not there, just that finding those that fitted the bill was impossible. Which made things kind of stagnate on certain fronts. The essence of any relationship is the way it can evolve to become something more fresh and interesting with the passage of time. And the minute it recedes into the past, we have to reinvent the whole damn thing to make it appealing at least in one aspect.
I am facing a cranky dilemma now. I have certain clogs I need to unearth, but that will then leave me with fewer than I started out with…which is inherently unhealthy and unwise. So then do I turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to these glaring mishaps? I am really in need of divine intervention at this moment. And that seems to be lacking too.
Has everyone abandoned me to my miserable fate? Christ it is definitely scary.
For some years now, I have been languishing with the bare minimum of friends. Not that the need for multiples was not there, just that finding those that fitted the bill was impossible. Which made things kind of stagnate on certain fronts. The essence of any relationship is the way it can evolve to become something more fresh and interesting with the passage of time. And the minute it recedes into the past, we have to reinvent the whole damn thing to make it appealing at least in one aspect.
I am facing a cranky dilemma now. I have certain clogs I need to unearth, but that will then leave me with fewer than I started out with…which is inherently unhealthy and unwise. So then do I turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to these glaring mishaps? I am really in need of divine intervention at this moment. And that seems to be lacking too.
Has everyone abandoned me to my miserable fate? Christ it is definitely scary.
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